JUPITER, Fla. — Human rights champion and all-around good guy, Robert Kraft, responded to Macklemore’s controversial pro-Palestinian views by demanding the artist’s music be removed from the playlist at “Sakura Dreams,” the business mogul’s favorite location for receiving consensual, over-the-clothes massage from an adult with equitable power.
“At Sakura Dreams we strive to provide a welcoming, inclusive environment to all our clients. We are so committed to that mission that we obtain massage therapists from all over the world and secure their passports and identifying documents in a locked safe that they can’t access. It gives our patrons an immense sense of security,” explained Sakura Dreams manager Rick Young.
Patrons of the popular spa applauded Kraft on the decision, citing anti-Israel rhetoric as a “total boner killer.”
“Everyone is entitled to their own views, but when those views threaten my ability to wield my massive wealth and power, I can’t relax into my God-given right of being serviced by a class of people with staggeringly less means for self-determination. It’s a total mood killer. And it’s anti-Semitic,” [name redacted ]explained while unzipping his pants.
Palm Beach locals also praise Kraft for standing up for what’s right at a time when others are afraid to do so.
“Whatever Robert Kraft said, I agree,” Tammy Fae said, while looking side to side nervously. “He’s a hero here in Palm Beach. We are lucky to have him. To have all of them. Go Patriots. MAGA.”
All of the massage therapists at Sakura Dreams declined to comment. At press time, Sakura Dreams reportedly was doubling down on making their patrons feel welcome by burning calendars detailing clientele, destroying all security camera footage, and relocating to a private island.
