Conservative Men Use Empty Melania Theaters for Grindr Hookups
WASHINGTON — Multiple D.C. area movie theaters say Republican members of Congress and congressional staffers have begun using empty screenings of “Melania,” a documentary about first lady Melania Trump, as informal meeting places for anonym…
Pete Hegseth’s Office to Appear on Latest Episode of ‘Bar Rescue’
WASHINGTON — An upcoming episode of “Bar Rescue” will see gastropub mogul John Taffer attempt to rehabilitate Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s office, confirmed sources…. <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Millennial Recounts Extinct Social Tradition Known as the ‘House Party’
If You Have What It Takes To Be Ink Master, You’ll Have No Problem Putting This Foghat Tattoo on My Scrotum
When I signed up to be a human canvas on this show, it was with the understanding that I would be worked on by the… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
The Next Clark Kent/Superman? We’ve Never Seen Ice and the Proud Boys at the Same Place at the Same Time
Look, I’m no detective. I lack the intelligence, training, qualifications, and decency to perform such a job — much like an ICE agent — I’m… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Sex Ruined by Lackluster Spank From Man Who’s Just Not a Spanker
ICE Agent Returns Home to Hero’s Welcome From AI Girlfriend
HARRISON, Ark. — Local ICE agent Pete Drurey was honored to arrive home to a hero’s welcome from his AI girlfriend after serving four grueling… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Music
Guy Whose Political Knowledge Is Exclusively From System of a Down Lyrics Better Informed Than 99% of People He Interacts With
TOPEKA, Kan. — Nu-metalhead Roger Antesburger found that his lifelong System of a Down fandom left him better informed than the vast majority of people he interacted with on a daily basis, sources report. “Yeah, I really didn’t think of…
Bryan Adams Re-Records “Summer of ‘69” As “Summer of ‘67” to Connect With the Youth
ONTARIO, Canada — Canadian rock musician Bryan Adams re-recorded his hit song “Summer of ‘69”…
Just Because We’re a Metalcore Band Doesn’t Mean We’re From the Midwest, but Yeah, We’re Only Touring Iowa and Nebraska
I've always believed stereotypes, whether positive or negative, are reductive and paint a picture of…
Paul Simon’s ‘Kodachrome’ Voted Best Song on the ‘Coneheads’ Soundtrack for 32nd Year in a Row
NEW YORK — Online music magazine Pitchfork once again ranked Paul Simon’s 1973 hit “Kodachrome”…
AI-Generated Metallica Song Better Than Anything They’ve Released in Over Three Decades
CUPERTINO, Calif. — An AI-generated Metallica song titled “Am I Revenge Forgiven II?” sounded better…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…