WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem hoped to help ICE officers become more reckless by instructing them to picture protesters, legal observers, and bystanders in general as cute puppies, sources confirmed.
“We are currently under siege, and we need to send a message. We are overwhelmed by hordes of people holding phones, yelling mean things at agents, and blowing whistles. That is a direct affront to the Constitution, and as law enforcement agent,s we have a responsibility to shoot these people in the back,” said Noem to a group of new recruits. “If any of you still have that little voice inside your head saying ‘Shooting people is bad,’ then I need you to leave the room right now. You aren’t welcome here. If you’re hesitant about pulling the trigger, I encourage you to do what I do — picture everyone as a rambunctious wire-haired terrier with round, wet eyes. It will make blowing their heads off so much easier, and they will stop comparing you to the Gestapo once they’re dead.”
Lincoln Marsh, a recent ICE recruit, says Noem’s words were inspiring.
“I never shot a gun until I signed up to be an agent. I did a few push-ups and then answered a few questions, and they handed me a face mask and a gun that day. That bald dude Stephen from the TV was there, and he told us all we had complete immunity, and to not worry about the cost of bullets,” said Marsh. “But I was still hesitant until Secretary Noem assured us that shooting people is as easy as shooting dogs. I’ve been capturing and torturing small animals since I was a kid. I used to light fires, then that got boring, so I’d start stealing pets from my neighbors. But I haven’t had the pleasure of killing a human yet. I’m really looking forward to getting out on the streets and showing people that I am God and I am here to purify the land.”
Activists across the country condemned Noem’s speech.
“Jesus fuck, this is bad. I’m buying body armor for me and everyone in my family because this might be the only way we survive this surge,” said community organizer Clara DaSilva. “We’ve been organizing and preparing for ways to fight against the government, but we thought they would at least abide by some rules. It turns out they aren’t, and they are willing to be war criminals on American soil. We are fucked.”
At press time, House Democrats fought back against Secretary Noem by putting forward legislation to make March 13th “National Hug Your Dog Day.”
