INDIANAPOLIS — Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence and his wife, Karen, have reportedly pushed their twin beds together for the first time ever, preemptively celebrating the Indiana governor’s potential promotion to the second-highest office in the United States, according to sources close to the family.
Friends of the conservative Christian couple were stunned by this “unprecedented, sinful behavior.”
“I knew something seemed a bit off when Karen left our Bible study early to tell her chef to prepare oysters — a known aphrodisiac,” recalled friend Michelle March, 48. “I don’t want to pass judgement, but I wouldn’t bake a cake for those two heathens, if you catch my drift.”
Her other Bible study friends agreed.
“[Karen] always seemed uncomfortable with sex and relationships. When we asked her which Sex And The City character she was, she said the show was ‘written by Lucifer himself,’” said Joelle Bryant, 56. “I think that show is a lot of fun, but, regardless… she and Mr. Pence should try to refrain from physical contact.”
An anonymous source inside the Indiana Governor’s Residence reported the couple’s three children were sent to “stay with relatives for the night.” Those closest to Mr. Pence claim he’s actively seeking ways to purify any personal activities.
“Cutting a hole in a sheet would be nice if Jews didn’t do it,” he allegedly said. “And I just know the gays prefer sex in the dark. Even then, it’d still involve my no-no parts. But I think I’ve earned this. I’m really excited about becoming Pres… ah, Vice President.”
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Father Raymond Harvey, the Pence family priest, admitted he knew of the couple’s plans to share a potentially intimate evening.
“Mike scheduled 10 counseling sessions with me to make sure marital relations with his wife were still OK, and I just couldn’t seem to convince him it’s fine,” said Harvey. “Don’t forget — this is a man who once held funerals for each sperm he lost in a wet dream.”
“He still has wet dreams, by the way,” Harvey later added. “He’s the most repressed man I’ve ever met. I really hope he has sex tonight.”
The couple allegedly overturned the 55 portraits of white Jesus in their home for the occasion.