KHAN YUNIS, Palestine — Five Hamas insurgents living inside the face of a nursing infant have been eliminated, IDF Lieutenant General Eyal Zamir announced at a press conference Monday.
“Mom was hiding the insurgents in the baby’s face,” explained the IDF lieutenant general, who was covered in the blood of a different child. “I’ve been doing this for a long time. Hamas insurgents are like, how you say, cats. They can sneak into, how you say, impossibly tight places. One time I saw a group of insurgents hiding inside street dog, yes, street dog. So I kick the dog and light on fire the dog. Because it wasn’t dog, it was a, how you say, Hamas.”
Ori Zamir, the elder son of General Eyal Zamir, spoke after the press conference and answered questions regarding his father’s announcement.
“The blood of women and children will pave the way for the new technological world order in partnership with the techno oligarchy,” said Ori Zamir when asked how it was possible to hide people inside the bodies of others. “We must have the blood of children. We must drink from their skulls and chew on their femurs like rabid dogs. We must let the blood rain down and cover our flesh. We must dance this macabre death dance until rivers of Babylon run red with the blood of infants and our macabre religious nightmare-paradigm crushes the hearts and minds of all infidels who dare defend themselves.”
Younger brother Itay Zamir, who was nearby, interjected upon his brother’s answer to help clarify.
“Listen, they’re hiding these Hamas fighters in the bodies of children, and we must have a blood lagoon. We must. And also we really just want a blood lagoon,” said Itay Zamir while motioning with his hands drawing a circle in the air, referencing the circular shape of the hypothetical blood lagoon that would be filled with blood. “Not the Jewish-tans AKA Gal Gadot with a sunburn. I’m talking about them baby browns, AKA the brown babies of our enemies. The babies are Hamas. They are all Hamas. These people can’t even speak fuckin’ English barely and we want that land for more ethnostate space for ethnostate activities. Not sure if you know this, but we have the right to do this. This is normal behavior from a group of human beings.”
At press time, a local Israeli physician confirmed that Hamas are like cats and live inside the bodies of children.
