FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.
“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings of Metal’ thinking it was a sure-fire way to get laid tonight. I even tacked the picture from the album’s liner notes of the band standing shirtless over the bed, but the only thing I got for this was a confused look and several requests to put on literally any other band. Maybe I just don’t understand women as much as I thought I did. I mean, this definitely would have worked on me. Maybe I should have sprung for a bottle of nice wine instead of a case of Red Dog, or at the very least washed my sheets.”
Your girlfriend Brenda Geedey reiterated her confusion over your actions.
“Wait, he actually thought that was going to get me in the mood?” Geedey asked while laughing in disbelief. “Are you fucking shitting me? Playing that super cheesy power metal while showing me pictures of those greased up shirtless guys from the ‘80s was supposed to make me horny? Ugh, and those lyrics were the absolute worst. ‘Pleasure Slave?’ I think I actually threw up in my mouth at one point. Jesus Christ. I thought he was playing some kind of weird joke on me that wasn’t landing. Now that I know that was a genuine effort in seduction, I may need to start looking for another romantic partner. Hell, even KISS would have worked better than that.”
Sociologist Raisa Mevvich provided some input on the situation.
“Given how grossly inept metalheads are with women, it is absolutely staggering that any of them have ever managed to procreate,” Mevvich said. “Their profound failure to comprehend that sick riffs and lyrics about dragons won’t automatically win the favor of the opposite sex is something that has surprised me in case study after case study. The number of accounts I’ve read wherein a metal fan has tried to impress a woman by playing Blind Guardian’s ‘Nightfall in Middle Earth’ would astound you. Honestly, most metalheads would fare better romantically if they just stood still at all times without opening their mouths, but they just can’t seem to help themselves.”
At press time, you had decided to switch to Immortal to see if that would work.