MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Steve “Vomit” Parker reportedly began his annual metamorphosis into a Sublime guy after temperatures cracked the upper 50s this week, sources confirmed.
“I don’t practice Santeria, but I do have a crystal ball I bought at Spencer’s Gifts,” said Parker, rolling a joint with one hand and a half-finished Modelo at his feet. “It’s called Weather Underground, and the forecast says it’s gonna be 57 degrees today. Bup-bup! It’s boardshort time, baby! This winter’s been tough, brah. But there’s just something about this time of year where the sun starts setting later and ‘What I Got’ gets stuck in my head for an entire month straight. Plus, the weed just hits better with ’40oz. to Freedom’ cranking in May.”
Milo Martinez, Parker’s roommate, describes the impact of his yearly transformation on their friends in the punk community.
“Oh, we fucking hate it! I try to book out-of-town shows for my band around this time every year,” said Martinez. “It’s impossible to be around him when he’s like this. He completely changes! He grows this little soul patch, trades in his combat boots for those Reef flip flops with the bottle opener in the sole, rocks Oakley Topcoats, and wears nothing but Quiksilver for a month. And he won’t shut the fuck up. Dude, I don’t care who the Long Beach Dub Allstars are!”
Lisa Dempsey, host of the Sublime podcast Casting for Badfish, says she regularly receives emails from listeners asking for advice on how to deal with their Sublime guy.
“My subscribers listen to Sublime year-round, but there’s a unique type of seasonal fan who only comes out once a year. And, frankly, they’re a lot to deal with,” said Dempsey. “As spring rolls around, the emails start pouring in. The questions are usually things like, ‘How do I get my Sublime guy to put on a shirt?’ or ‘My daughter’s getting married in a week. How do I get my dumbass husband to take off his stupid fucking puka shell necklace?’ Her words, not mine. My advice is usually to ride it out until the fall when they become seasonal AFI fans.”
At press time, Parker was at Minneapolis Animal Care and Control asking if they had any Dalmatians for adoption.