SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A particularly violent wall of death during an Exodus concert continued after peace talks failed to reach a diplomatic solution, distressed sources report.
“Their demands were completely unreasonable,” left-side participant Raissa Bernandi complained. “They wanted an apology from the face-tatted guy in the Kreator shirt for accidentally spilling his beer on the girlfriend of one of their moshers, and they also wanted a verbal agreement that none of the tall guys on our side would stand in front of them for the remainder of the show. Obviously, it was not feasible for us to acquiesce to these, so I guess it’s back to the drawing board while we gear up to charge at each other again. They really need to approach these talks more realistically.”
Toby Carrol, negotiator for the wall of death’s right side, provided his side of the story.
“Listen, we can’t be the only side willing to make concessions,” Carrol sighed. “We agreed to have our weird 60-year-old guy put his shirt back on, and we kicked out that obnoxious teenager who was doing that stupid windmill thing with his arms after he broke that lady’s nose. What have they done that shows they’re putting forth any effort to stop this violence? Nothing. My side has been committed to a peaceful resolution, but we’re not afraid to continue the wall of death until then. From here on out, though, if anybody gets hurt, you’ll know who to blame.”
Bystander Lucia Alfaro described what she saw.
“It’s just so heartbreaking seeing such senseless violence,” Alfaro lamented. “I can’t believe it’s gone on this long, as I would’ve thought for sure that they would’ve put an end to it by now. Each time the two sides charge at each other, I wince at the thought of all the concussions and broken bones that are probably resulting. At this point, I don’t even care which side is in the right. I just want them to reach an agreement so we can all move on. I came here to thrash out to Exodus, not to see people get hurt. They haven’t even played ‘The Toxic Waltz’ yet, so the worst is yet to come. I just hope everyone involved knows how critical these next few minutes are in preventing even more injuries.”
At press time, the bartender was brought in as an arbiter in the next round of peace talks.