Everyone appreciates Randy Newman’s signature voice as it conveys sardonic song lyrics set to classically arranged pop and folk music, but did you know his music is also great to fuck to? That’s right! Few people know that there’s more to this guy’s tunes than just setting the mood to your favorite scenes in Parenthood or The Natural. There’s a whole world of untapped sex potential hidden in the catalog of this bespectacled fuck beast, so here are our top five!
5. Short People
This jaunty little romp is often thought of as a humorous take on the absurdity of all forms of discrimination, but who needs that sort of weighty social commentary when you’re all prepped and ready to bump uglies? All we know about this song is that it’s great for fucking, so let loose and try to time your pelvic thrusts to those catchy piano chords!
4. Naked Man
Helllllll yeah. Some people think that a song about a nude man running through the snowy streets to snatch an old lady’s purse isn’t good to fuck to, which means that said people are a bunch of prudes who don’t know what they’re talking about. The word “naked” is even in the song title, as if you needed more of a reason to fuck and suck while blasting this bad boy.
3. Pants
This song’s about taking off your pants, which is exactly what you’ll be doing if you listen to it with the right set of ears. We don’t know about you, but there’s no stopping us from disrobing and blasting off when it starts blaring out of our speakers. And what are you doing right now? Reading articles on The Hard Times while fully clothed? WTF? Exit out of this page, hit “Play”, and get to fucking! Right now!
2. Bet No One Ever Hurt This Bad
Trust us, you won’t be hurting when you put this acoustic diddy from his debut album on your fuck playlist. If the lyrics are any indication, Randy wrote it after his sweetheart left him, but throw those sad thoughts out of your mind as you let his sultry voice lull you to a climax.
1. You’ve Got a Friend in Me
Oh shit, this one’s on the Toy Story soundtrack? Hmm, that actually feels kind of weird, but we promise we weren’t aware of that when we selected it. If anything, THEY’RE the weirdos over there at Pixar! Just keep your mind on fucking while listening to this, and try not to think of Buzz and Woody’s heated rivalry as they vie for the position of favorite toy in Andy’s collection. That wouldn’t be appropriate, and it would definitely take you out of the moment.
There you have it! Be sure to sound off in the comments and let us know which of these was your favorite song to fuck to. Don’t leave us hanging!
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
