UPPER ARLINGTON, Ohio — Local fucking genius music critic Sam Buchman recently made very poignant critiques of all of their friends music tastes after pointing out how music within a certain genre tends to sound the same, according to peers thoroughly impressed by his ineffable insight.
“My friends as much as I love them really are philistines when it comes to understanding music,” said Buchman while carrying around a Neutral Milk Hotel record as a fashion accessory. “Everything they listen to sounds the same. Like they don’t even seem to notice that the ska music they listen to is completely dependent on guitar upstrokes and a horn section, or that reggae uses so many goddamned steel drums. I mean could it be any more contrived or dare I say derivative?”
Friends were nearly dumbfounded by Buchman’s ability to point out these musical consistencies.
“The way he was able to really break down my favorite songs by simply telling me they sucked because they sounded somewhat similar sure was something,” said friend Kaitlyn Niner. “He definitely knows what the word contrived means and doesn’t simply say it because he heard someone smarter than him say it first to describe a piece of music. It’s certainly not the case that he doesn’t even care for music but more so that he gets off on criticizing the things other people like. He’s so erudite and precise in his criticisms that certainly he deserves a fucking award or some shit.”
The Grammy awards were apparently in agreement as they announced they were going to nominate him as part of the newly created “Best Music Critic” category.
“Never have we heard of a more witty or acerbic music critic than young Mr. Buchman here,” said Grammy spokesperson Niki Patel. “His powerful vision into how shitty and repetitive so many different kinds of music are make us really think about how wrong we were to like something that hit consistent beats. It’s like how anyone who likes chocolate is wrong for pretending that chocolate is anything but a one note food without any variety because it’s all chocolate in the end. Which is why he deserves this award.”
At press time, Buchman could be seen getting into the film critic space after pointing out how many movies have similar plot structures.