LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have an obligation-free night to respond to all of the approximately 75 million direct messages that had been accumulating in her Instagram inbox “over the last year, if not decade,” confirmed sources.
“I’ve been meaning to do this forever. But songwriting and world tours always got in the way,” Swift said. “I was gonna do it one night, but then I got a call from Mom reminding me about [brother] Austin’s 30th birthday. A year later, I tried again. But then, I was embarking on what would eventually become the highest-grossing concert tour of all time. The more my phone lit up, the more daunting it became. But the important thing is that I’m doing something about it, even if I only manage to make a dent for now.”
Swift’s publicist, Tree Paine, admitted to feeling trepidation about the multi-platinum artist and holder of 118 Guinness World Records taking it upon herself to answer anonymous messages from strangers on her public social media account.
“We spent so much time perfecting this image of her as being simultaneously everyone’s best friend while also being mysterious beyond description,” Paine said. “And that’s easily undone when she’s replying to DMs at random and beginning each with ‘My sincerest apologies for not attending to this message sooner.’ I at least tried to suggest she not reply to the pornbots, but she just kept saying she wouldn’t ‘take the easy way out.’”
Catherine Foley, a “Swiftie for life and beyond,” reported a wide array of feelings in the wake of receiving a years-late reply from her idol.
“To be honest, I forgot I had DM’d her when the ‘Cats’ movie was first announced and said she was gonna win an Oscar for singing ‘Memories,’” Foley said. “And she sent me this huge reply thanking and gently correcting me and saying how a director with ‘precise aesthetic control’ could’ve made a masterpiece. I was beside myself, and I could tell she put a lot of thought into it. I keep trying to unlock some hidden message but nothing. Oh well, I’ve sent her like 200 DMs, so I’m sure it’s coming eventually.”
At press time, Swift went to bed at 2:30 a.m., vowing to answer the remaining 75,585,942, “on the next rainy day.”