CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s newest iPhone operating system, iOS 16, includes a predictive text feature that allegedly recognizes when the user is being invited to…
NEWCASTLE, Wyo. — Local punk and Jehovah’s Witness Mike “Pitstain” Dawson took it upon himself to counterbalance the Jehovah’s Witness’ message by going door to…
NEW YORK — Members of Racked Brain returned from a weekend “tour” and immediately began telling their friends tales of a “packed and absolutely bonkers”…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A show in the basement of local punk house Arsonist Hall started exactly on time today, thanks to a Daylight Saving Time…
BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware of dangerous anarchist activity downtown,…
SEATTLE — Local punk Jonathan “Johnny Balls” Denick has given full legal power of attorney to a dog with a bandana named Roscoe, according to…
WELLAND, Ontario — Local hardcore kid Jordan Trimble announced his intentions to destroy the only intact ceiling tile remaining in the Lion’s Club seconds before…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Struggling punk band Sucks To Be You revealed that they were at wits’ end after years of living drink ticket to drink…
MANHATTAN, Kan. — The roommates of lifelong punk Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens have learned to whisper and spell out the word “bath” when discussing their malodorous…
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Jenny Fitzsimmons allowed her husband Alfred to remove the enigmatic green ribbon she’s worn around her neck since the first day…
WARRENTON, Va. — Local children were confused by the Halloween offerings of Mr. and Mrs. Owens, who handed out full-sized copies of Judge’s rare 1989…
GAINESVILLE, Fla — Volunteer security guards at The Fest accidentally let upward of 40 different guys who look like local music mainstay Chuck Ragan backstage…
MANCHESTER, N.H. — Dan Levitton, lead vocalist for touring hardcore band Weekend Proposal, told the “motherfuckers” in the back to “just, like, shut up for…
CINCINNATI — 26-year-old punk Bobby Larson is now listing a local 7-Eleven cashier as his only emergency contact in lieu of close friends or relatives,…