ARLINGTON, Texas — The fan club for popular heavy metal band Pantera reportedly uses the same title for its president as the leader of the infamous white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan, several sources ranting about “replacement theory” report.
“I’ll just cut to the chase here: it’s our God-given duty to protect the sanctity of our beloved hillbilly metal band,” Grand Wizard Ronald Lee Bridges said, adding that metal should remain of a pure sonic bloodline. “The main tenet of our code in which we live by, Panterism, is to keep the reputation of Pantera clean from any acknowledgment of the forbidden pre-’Cowboys From Hell’ glam metal era, which is a dark stain on the band’s otherwise perfect career. The first line of our sacred oath isn’t ‘Power Metal? Walk on Home Boy’ for nothing. It’s the code we live by.”
Lead singer and known Hitler-saluter Phil Anselmo let it be known the club has his full endorsement.
“It’s a beautiful thing seeing fans of the band coming together under a banner with such aspirationally racist connotations,” Anselmo explained while planning his next cash-grab reunion tour. “Fans from all walks of life are members too, and you wouldn’t even suspect it. They could be a cop on the beat, the owner of your favorite bakery, or even your local politician. People from all over join the meetings that we hold the last Thursday of every month in a secluded beer tent out near Gilan Pond. But I don’t want to reveal too much.”
Head of the metal department of Human Rights Watch Heather Goldstein says there are typical signs to watch for when discerning whether or not someone is in the Pantera fan club.
“Many metal bands have fans that would be rightly considered ‘Deplorables,'” Goldstein stated. “But Pantera fans are usually the ones who stick out the most. Typical insignia they might have tattooed on them are the rattlesnake or some sort of skull wrapped in a Confederate flag, which they insist is not a hate symbol. These images are said to represent the ‘cowboy metal rebel’ mantra of the band. You might even see them in a concert video yelling ‘white power.’ They’re usually easy to spot, drunk off their asses, and honestly, pretty sickening.”
At press time, Bridges had perished after catching his ceremonial Confederate flag gown on fire attempting to light a large wooden ‘CFH’ on a glam-era Pantera fan’s lawn.