DISCO, Wisc. — Renowned b-boy and breakdancer Derrick Emu stunned Deee-Lite fans by revealing the groove he contracted during his time with the band has spread from his heart to his kidneys and lymphatic system, sources confirmed.
“It’s day to day, but I’m managing. I underestimated the power of groove. We all did,” said Emu. “It all started in 1989, right after Deee-Lite hired me as a b-boy. I basically danced non-stop throughout the ‘90s. That’s when Deee-Lite exposed me to dangerous levels of groove. Because it’s since metastasized to my kidneys and lymph nodes, I’m seeking compensation from Deee-Lite to cover my pain, suffering, neurofunk, new jack swing, and electro-breakbeat treatments. I’ve also got an unrelated case of acute funkstep from getting stuck in a tight skweee, but I can slough that off at home with an acid rock. It’s been a tough year.”
Deee-Lite’s former manager contested Emu’s version of events.
“For all I know, Derrick Emu’s medical issues are from exposure to asbestos or an Iraqi burn pit,” said Ginny Parliament, who managed Deee-Lite throughout the 1990s. “If groove is such a problem, why didn’t other members of Deee-Lite come down with it? I would think the same touring group who all got herpes at a hostel in Amsterdam would also pass groove back and forth. Derrick disclosed his condition to us shortly after joining Deee-Lite, but he assured us that his heart was only 13% groove. Now it’s up to 91% and it spread? That’s a little suspicious.”
Doctors who examined Emu warned of the dangers of too much groove.
“It’s ironic that the very band Mr. Emu allegedly contracted the groove from also delayed the onset into his kidneys and lymphs,” said Dr. Eliza Simpson, funkologist at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. “Mr. Emu worked the iconic slide whistle from ‘Groove is in the Heart’ while dancing in live shows. The athleticism this required kept the groove isolated to the heart until his recent retirement from dancing.”
As of press time, a class-action lawsuit requested anyone exposed to groove by Deee-Lite’s live shows in the 1990s to contact the law firm of Phunk, Jangle & Johnson to file a claim.
