BURGETTSTOWN, Pa. — The mosh pit at a concert by popular metal band Pantera doubled as a team-building activity for local police officers, disgusted sources report.
“Oh yeah, everyone on the force is a huge Pantera fan,” Officer Chet Zeller said. “Since we were all going to the show anyway, we figured we might as well make a team-building activity out of it. We’ll do things like partner up and attack people in the crowd who aren’t moshing, then threaten to arrest them if they object to what we’re doing. Two other officers were also tasked with planting weed on a random concertgoer before handcuffing him. It just feels really good to carry out our favorite activities while listening to the best band in the world. Overall, it’s been a really great bonding experience for all of us.”
Witness Jerome Rodriguez was disgusted with what he had seen.
“Those guys were being such assholes,” Rodriguez reflected. “I mean, I fully expect moshers at a Pantera concert to be unsavory characters, but they were being way too aggressive and slamming into people who were way smaller than them, and threatening to taze anyone who ran into them even though they were in a mosh pit. They were wearing name tags, too, so I’m not sure what that was all about. I’m not really into moshing, but after seeing this, I think I’m going to skip Pantera shows altogether going forward. Hearing ‘Walk’ and ‘Cowboys from Hell’ for the millionth time definitely wasn’t worth putting up with all of that.”
Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo was more or less distracted by their presence.
“That was really distracting,” Anselmo offered. “When I’m up on stage during a show, I’m in the zone. I don’t like having my Nazi salutes and rants about white pride being interrupted by people going too hard in the pit. I have no problems with people moshing, but they kept shouting while they were tackling and reciting Miranda Rights to people, and it was making me lose focus. I gave these guys a free pass because they’re cops, and I’ve always been a huge fan of law enforcement. However, I don’t want anybody who’s planning on attending a Pantera show in the future thinking they can be this disruptive. The music should always come first.”
At press time, the team-building activity was so successful that the cops had decided to schedule another one at an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch show.