RICHMOND, Va. — Metal band GWAR’s newest lead vocalist was announced via a giant white steam cloud of creamy ejaculate spouting out of the roof of a derelict industrial plant, confirmed grossed out albeit intrigued sources.
“Fuck. I mean, I’ve been elsewhere in the world when a new GWAR lead vocalist was chosen, so I knew I couldn’t miss this one. It’s a humbling, once-in-a-lifetime event,” said fan and self-proclaimed slave/human filth Bobby Jo Mildon, wiping his eyes clear of both tears and hot-dripping splooge. “When I heard the news, I packed my family into a van and we drove all night. The kids weren’t sure what was happening, but they could tell it was important. Also, if you know of any local mechanics that can carefully detail semen out of an early-2000s Chrysler minivan transmission, please let me know.”
An outline of the ceremonial process was patiently illustrated by GWAR holy man and long-time drummer Jizmak Da Gusha.
“GWAR members make a hallowed oath to take this process very seriously,” said Da Gusha. “We convene in a secluded, consecrated space. We meditate upon our choices and pontificate to one another on the need to make a balanced and well-informed selection. We then engage in a tedious voting process via multiple anonymous ballots per day and then, once we are confident in our choice and the vote mathematically indicates a two-thirds majority, the decision’s finality is signaled with a mile-high maelstrom of super-fucked-up cock snot.”
Tate Langdon, a PhD student finishing his thesis on Scientific Historical Development in Religious Studies, further explained some of the precise details of this historic and momentous wad shot.
“This process has occurred for millions of years, and each time it’s special,” Landgon explained. “But some elements of this blessed conclave remain constant. Our studies have shown that the pillar of black smoke that appears nightly if they haven’t reached a decision seems to be a composite ignition of unidentifiable organic and inorganic materials. Possibly a mix of incinerated rubber tires and human bones. Maybe some tar? It smells awful. So that adds to the relief of a selection being made. Followers are blessed with a new venerable leader as well as the smell of sweet, sweet cum.”
At press time, GWAR noted that this seminal event has been most pleasurable and celebratory, and band members are pleased to return to normalcy to focus on their true passion, which is killing.