WORTHINGTON, Mass. — Country musician and patriot cosplayer Aaron Lewis admitted this week that he crowdsourced his new album, “I’m Not Racist, You Are,” from the popular right-wing subreddit r/Conservative, impotent rage-fueled sources confirmed.
“Yeah, it’s true. I used it as a source of inspiration for my new album,” said Lewis, strumming an American flag guitar. “I didn’t have time to write a record by myself because I was too busy catching up on my Daily Wire podcasts. And let’s be honest — r/Conservative is chocked full of real American values like the right to bear arms in a Starbucks but not during a protest, freedom of speech except when you disagree politically, and AI images of Jesus wearing a MAGA hat.”
Longtime Lewis fan Ken Hammond defended the musician’s decision to borrow from the subreddit.
“Apparently, I gotta stand with Aaron on this one,” asserted Hammond. “Initially, I wasn’t sure how to feel about the issue, but r/Conservative convinced me which side to take. For example, I was fully against that mask-wearing shit in 2020 because masks were killing us with our own recycled oxygen. But thanks to that sub, now I understand that they’re life-saving tools for law enforcement. Similarly, I supported the Second Amendment by bringing my AR-15 to every protest I ever went to, but after Minneapolis I see that guns are fuckin’ dangerous and were clearly the problem all along.”
Political scientist Chris Soochey discussed how the subreddit is a soothing echo chamber for conservatives.
“American conservatives are a truly fascinating bunch,” observed Soochey. “They currently control all three branches of government, and yet they’re still unhappy. The reason is that they have a collective persecution complex, making them inherently miserable people who are incapable of experiencing joy. Naturally, the closest thing to happiness they’ll ever get is logging onto r/Conservative to celebrate the administration’s gleeful cruelty and unbridled hatefulness in a hall-of-mirrors circlejerk. Similarly, conservatives’ abhorrence towards the humanities is causing a lack of media literacy, so it’s no wonder they like ‘Star Wars’ but took the wrong message from Emperor Palpapine saying, ‘Let the hate flow through you.’”
At press time, Lewis clarified that his decision was either a brilliant songwriting shortcut or a Democrat hoax, depending on which option is the better narrative.
