LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cult Americana legends Murder by Death are celebrating a unique milestone by officially disappointing one million metalheads who were enticed by their brutal band name, according to a press release.
“We in Murder by Death always knew that by sticking together we could achieve the monumental landmark of bumming out one million metalheads who made assumptions about us based on our name,” said frontman Adam Turla, who is rumored to be converting the band’s practice space into a craft bourbon distillery. “We feel a surge of pride every time some grindcore teen puts on a song like ‘Shiola’ and sits there waiting for the chugging 7-string guitars and double kick to enter. Surprise, surprise–they never do. All you’re getting is acoustic guitar and spiritual anguish. So tonight, we’ll knock back some whiskey sours to celebrate. Tomorrow, we begin the climb to two million.”
The one-millionth metalhead to give Murder by Death a shot articulated his confusion over the band’s goals.
“I just don’t get it. Both nouns in their band name reference killing, yet there are no growls, or Boss HM-2s, or blast beats. You’ve got to be a bunch of sick fucks to bamboozle innocent music fans who just want to rock out to tales of depraved homicide,” declared Tanner Hancock, who was recently suspended from school for yelling “FUCKING SLAYER!” in a guidance counselor’s face. “This whole process has taught me a lot about making assumptions. Now I’ll continue to make assumptions and sue any time they are not met. I’m talking with lawyers who think we may have a strong class action lawsuit case on our hands.”
Music industry veterans emphasized the importance of setting expectations with your band’s name and imagery.
“Murder by Death came up in a time where artist names ceased to matter, so it made sense to change their name from the very suitable Little Joe Gould to their baffling current moniker,” said Janine Sanford, head of A&R for Capitol Records. “You had grind bands called stupid shit like The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza. And now we see rappers call themselves Lil Baby. So I have no advice for bands anymore. Words mean nothing. My job is irrelevant. I should have gone into nursing.”
As of press time, Hancock’s case has been thrown out, as he was reportedly overheard saying that songs off Murder by Death’s 2008 album Red of Tooth & Claw “actually go pretty hard.”
Photo by Puramyun31.