LONDON — Folk rockers Mumford & Sons announced that they are staying together despite the departure of Winston Marshall in a crushing blow to the music world and people’s ears, disappointed sources report.
“We would like to speak on the subject of our former banjo player and founding member Winston Marshall’s decision to leave the group, and assure everyone that despite his absence, we will, unfortunately, continue to write and perform music as a band,” Mumford & Sons singer Marcus Mumford stated in a public apology on the band’s Facebook page. “We fully understand the pain that this news may cause people all over the world, and hope you know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers during this unfortunate time, as well as the next several years’ worth of music that we will subject you to.”
People with car radios everywhere expressed utter disgust and disappointment
“Am I disappointed? Of course I am,” said Detroit resident and freelance music journalist Elizabeth Finne. “As a person with musical taste and preferences that honestly aren’t even that great, it pains me to know that people out there might continue to be subjected to whatever this band comes up with. Do I benefit from them staying together, though? Absolutely. It’s that guy’s right to spew whatever nonsense he wants on the internet, and it’s my responsibility as a journalist to pan his former band’s albums, and Mumford & Sons continuing to release music means continued site traffic for me. It’s a necessary evil.”
Despite the overwhelming disappointment at the band’s decision to remain a band, Roadie Scott “Scooter” Leggett was relieved to hear the news.
“I’m honestly just happy I’ll still be receiving a steady paycheck, possibly with less gear to lug around. I couldn’t find one of that dude’s banjos before this soundcheck in Dayton, and I never heard the end of it,” sighed Leggett. “I mostly just read my fantasy books and stay out of the way when I’m not needed. I’ll kind of start falling asleep if I listen to too much of their sets, but if I made it through the last few years of Warped Tour, I can stick this out too.”
At press time, Marshall announced plans to form his own solo project in which he will remain confident and outspoken when it comes to “controversial topics” combined with a near-total lack of knowledge on said topics.
