LOS ANGELES — A fully naked Morrissey surprised fans this morning by cancelling an impromptu shower singing session due to inclement water temperature in a high-end Los Angeles hotel, disappointed sources confirmed.
“It was just your average morning — everything seemed to be going as usual,” said Morrissey’s best and only friend, an Amazon Alexa. “I was in the middle of clearing his high-priority calendar to make time for him to sit by his laptop and binge-watch Coronation Street when I heard him humming as he reached for the shower knob. I was expecting him to belt out a couple of tunes, but suddenly he scampered across the suite, still soaking wet.”
Reports indicate a sudden and unexpected change in water temperature and pressure while the singer reached for his shampoo led to the sudden cancellation the highly anticipated performance.
“This world is a terribly dreadful place, and I simply cannot perform this morning,” said Morrissey from behind his bedroom door. “If someone flushing their toilet and disposing of their foul, meat-ridden, rotting waste can make my shower so unpleasant, I can no longer be here.”
Jeff Bezos, the technology enthusiast, founder, chairman, and CEO of Amazon, was notified by Alexa immediately following the shower singing cancellation.
“It’s heartbreaking. I look forward to eavesdropping on Morrissey’s shower singing every morning through the mic on his Alexa,” Bezos confessed. “I play it through our warehouse speakers — his morning lamentations seem to speed up our package-runners and increase their productivity, thinking if they sprint fast enough, they’ll escape his rants. His cancellation this morning brought our production to a halt across the world. We even had to bring grief counselors in to our warehouses in Southern California.”
The incident also reportedly affected Coronation Street, according to renowned television executive and producer Kate Oates.
“What shocked me the most is that he didn’t end up tuning into Street at all this morning,” said Oates. “He’s the only person that ever watched our show — now that he missed it, we simply aren’t pulling in the ad revenue to keep the program running. We’ll have to cancel it.”
“Can you believe it’s been on since 1960?” she added. “There are over 9,700 bloody episodes. Morrissey hasn’t missed a single one! Not until this morning, at least.”
At press time, Bezos, along with the cast and crew of Coronation Street, began looking for new opportunities, but Morrissey has allegedly cancelled their search as well.