BUHL, Idaho — A book report on epic 1851 novel “Moby-Dick” by 10th grader Nick Henderson had clearly been written after having only listened to metal band Mastodon’s 2004 album “Leviathan,” exasperated sources report.
“Ugh, I’ve seen this every year for the past two decades,” Henderson’s English teacher Jennifer Certo complained. “My students must take me for a complete idiot if they think they can get away with listening to a metal album in lieu of reading one of the most revered novels in history. I encouraged my students to see this story as a metaphor for the search for meaning in a world that surrounds us with illusion and deception. Nick just described an altercation with the whale based on lyrics to the song ‘Iron Tusk.’ Honestly, I’d be less insulted if he just used AI to write the goddamn thing.”
Henderson seemed to think he got away with his attempted deception.
“Ms. Certo is insane if she thinks I’m going to read a 700 page book,” Henderson snorted. “She honestly thinks anything can hold our attention for that long? I barely made it through reading those Mastodon lyrics. I fucking killed it in that book report, though, because I was able to gather from ‘Leviathan’ that the book is about hunting a whale. I even used the phrase ‘white whale, holy grail’ which she must think is super clever. I didn’t think Joseph Merrick was in ‘Moby-Dick,’ but that’s the name of one of the songs on the album, so I made sure to mention him as well.”
Mastodon drummer and lyricist Brann Dailor was disappointed to hear of Henderson’s failure.
“Oh man, listening to ‘Leviathan’ wasn’t enough to write a ‘Moby-Dick’ book report?” Dailor wondered. “That sucks. Reading ‘Moby-Dick’ was the most boring part of 10th grade English class for me, so I couldn’t wait to provide kids an out on having to slog through it. Writing a concept album about it was my primary motivation for becoming a musician and starting Mastodon in the first place. Now that I know that album is not fulfilling its intended purpose, I feel like I need to reevaluate my life. Maybe I’ll quit music and become an accountant or something.”
At press time, Ms. Certo came across a book report for “Brave New World” written by a kid who had clearly just listened to Iron Maiden.