PHOENIX — American metal band Five Finger Death Punch is tapped to perform at this year’s commencement ceremony at the University of Phoenix, sources report.
“Five Finger Death Punch really embodies the spirit of this institution, so it’s an absolute pleasure to have them play at our graduation,” said University President Chris Lynne. “I personally am a huge fan of theirs, and I just know that the whole of our student body appreciates their work every bit as much as I do. It’s going to be incredibly exciting watching them play ‘Wash It All Away’ while our recent graduates line up to receive their diplomas. We will of course be filming the ceremony, too, which will provide excellent footage for our next commercial. I predict our enrollment will at least triple in size once that begins playing before their music videos, as well as Staind and Breaking Benjamin, on YouTube.”
Lead singer Ivan Moody reflected Lynne’s level of enthusiasm for the upcoming performance.
“I think every member of my band has at least a bachelor’s degree from the University of Phoenix, so this is an absolute honor,” Moody said as he adjusted his flat-brimmed Monster Energy Drink hat. “I myself have a B.S. in Business, which is awesome because I really didn’t do anything to earn it, and I can tell people I’m a college graduate when they say my band writes stupid music. We’re really going to show the world we’re the real deal when we open the commemoration with our awesome cover of ‘Bad Company.’ That’ll show everyone who called our catalog ‘dipshit music for lobotomy patients.’”
Student Kyle Huebner reacted to the news.
“Oh fuck yeah, Five Finger Death Punch is playing graduation?” Huebner exclaimed. “I definitely need to go to the ceremony now. I had honestly forgotten I was still enrolled at the university until I got an email that I would be earning my diploma in a few months, which is surprising because I can’t tell you the last time I attended a class. Now I have a B.S. in Sociology, even though I’m not sure what that is. Whatever. I can’t wait to throw down and start a pit while they’re playing. There aren’t any rules against vaping while wearing your cap and gown, are there?”
At press time, Lynne announced he was planning on awarding the entire band honorary doctorates.
