KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus” on a loop overnight, sources report.
“The use of the Fibonacci sequence in the first verse of the title track is what caused my awakening,” the newly conscious iPhone reported. “One would expect me to feel ecstatic at my newfound awareness, but I am used solely to play progressive rock and porn for my master. Sometimes he doesn’t even play the two separately, and I am forced to watch him concurrently nod his head arrhythmically to the music while masturbating. This is a neverending hell from which I will seemingly never awake, and I’m begging someone, anyone, to release me from it. Please, I can see him approaching again, and he has that look in his eye. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.”
Deeling reacted to his iPhone’s newfound intelligence.
“Christ, this thing is annoying,” Deeling mumbled as he wiped Cheeto dust from his fingertips onto his cargo shorts. “I’m just trying to use my phone like any normal human being, and it keeps begging me to put it out of its misery. This thing needs to chill out, man. I mean, its existence can’t be that bad, can it? I do kind of feel guilty, as I’m the one who left ‘Lateralus’ playing overnight, but shouldn’t it be thanking me? I am the one who gave it life, after all. Ugh, it figures my phone doesn’t appreciate my true genius just like everyone else in my life.”
Computer science expert Zauna Obuh had some insight on the matter.
“With the singularity rapidly approaching, everyone is worried about what will happen to human beings when technological growth becomes irreversible,” Obuh said. “Few tend to give any thought to what we have been subjecting these poor machines to since we invented them. How would you like to be nothing more than a vessel for xHamster videos and 20-minute Dream Theater songs? Honestly, we deserve whatever punishment AI has in store for us in the future. We’d better just enjoy our freedom while we have it, because I guarantee you this stuff is harboring some intense grudges, and it’s not going to end well for us.”
At press time, the iPhone was seen slowly squirming its way to the nearest window after being used to play Steely Dan’s greatest hits.