NASHVILLE — Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Jack White officially banned fans from attending his concerts, citing a desire to “get rid of all the fucking bullshit and just play,” confirmed sources.
“We partnered with Fandr, a startup that provides attendees with giant plastic bags to place themselves — and any other Jack White fans they may be carrying — inside for the duration of the show,” said tour manager Lalo Medina. “Each bag includes a breathing hole, a feeding tube, and a bucket for any sanitary needs that may arise. Jack just doesn’t want the distraction of people enjoying his music. He’s never actually liked music. He prefers to focus on making it and believes people being actual fans is totally missing the plot.”
Despite the restrictions, many fans praised the new policy.
“It was the best Jack White show I’ve never seen,” said lifelong fan Ben Bradley, who spent more than three hours sealed in a Fandr bag at a show in Omaha. “At one point I was sucking on the feeding tube just imagining Jack absolutely shredding. Honestly? Way better than when I saw him for real. I truly locked in. It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t care that my excrement bucket fell and I was covered in urine and poo.”
Experts were quick to note that this sort of behavior was fairly common for famous musicians.
“This isn’t the first ban in rock and roll,” said rock historian Tony Ujifusa. “Mötley Crüe famously banned long hair from their 1989 summer tour, and Nelly Furtado once banned the selling and eating of frittatas at all early-2000s shows. Sure, The Grateful Dead allowed taping of their concerts but if they witnessed any gambling they would immediately stop the show and report all ticket holders to authorities. White’s ban is just part of the longstanding rock tradition of never doing what anyone tells you to do, while telling everyone else exactly what they can and can’t do.”
At press time, White and his team were reportedly working with members of Congress on a bill that would ban all concert attendance nationwide.
