SAN FRANCISCO — Early ‘90s hip-hop group House of Pain offered an overdue apology for the substantial influence their song “Jump Around” had over the 1993 “Mrs. Doubtfire” divorce, sources confirmed.
“This apology is a long time coming, we’ll be the first to admit it. We’d like to extend our sincere and utter regret over the contribution ‘Jump Around’ made toward the sudden dissolution of the marriage of Daniel and Miranda Hillard,” said House of Pain leader Everlast, before literally packing it up and packing it in. “The song we wrote was simply too much of a crazy jam that it was inevitable that playing it at a child’s party had no other outcome than a sudden divorce. Oh how we’d love to share the blame with the pony eating the birthday cake, or even Robin Williams’ shoes scuffing the dining room tabletop, but it would only be in vain. We are, from the bottom of our hearts, genuinely sorry.”
Among the attendees of the long-awaited briefing was Matthew Lawrence, now 44, whose character’s birthday caused the initial uproar.
“On behalf of myself, and my on-set siblings Mara Wilson and Lisa Jakub, I cautiously accept this apology. Though many of our real, actual parents are still happily married, divorce, even when fictional, is hardest on us children. Looking back, as soon as I heard that opening-verse record squeal of ‘Jump Around,’ even at my young age, I knew something harrowing was on the horizon,” said Lawrence, with a shudder. “We didn’t need a foyer full of barnyard animals to tell us that. All three of us felt it in our bones. In fact, I understand why Sally Field refused to attend this function. It’s still too raw a subject, she’s hated parties like this ever since.”
Fellow co-star Euphegenia Doubtfire offered her thoughts on the matter after one of her many nanny shifts.
“Aye, the separation ‘twas such a shame for the wee ones, if memory serves. High time those one-hit wonders offered their sympathies,” cooed a wry Doubtfire, while pointing at something in the distance as she adjusted her dentures. “I suppose now that they’ve done the right thing, I can now stop trying to kill those Irish rogues in ‘run by fruitings’ outside their LA homes. With this put to rest, my only lingering regret from the movie was not ever having any scenes with the late Mr. Williams, who seemed like such a wonderful fellow. Our paths just never seemed to align on the call sheet, a pity I have to this very day.”
The press conference, which culminated in an impromptu performance of the song in question, got way too out of hand and unfortunately caused nine more divorces.