29. Milk Duds
I have no idea how it’s possible to mess up chocolate and caramel, but somehow Milk Duds pulled it off. Sometimes I’ll propose a trade to my kids, one box of king-sized Milk Dudes for one of their fun-sized Snickers. If any of them are dumb enough to make the trade then I know they aren’t college material.
28. Whoppers
“The Original Malted Milk Ball” is proudly emblazoned on every packet like this phrase doesn’t give you that “I’m about to puke” taste in the back of your throat. I hate myself, but not enough to willingly eat Whoppers.
27. Sugar Babies
Admittedly I like the taste of Sugar Babies. What I don’t like about them is their ability to extract the molars from my mouth. If you love caramel, the taste of blood, and checking if your dental insurance is up to date then these are for you.
26. Twizzlers
I don’t like Twizzlers, I think they are a sub par candy. But if my daughter ever brought home a guy that said he preferred Red Vines I’d forbid them from seeing each other. I wouldn’t want my grandkids brought up in a Red Vines household.
25. M&M’s
Now we are cresting into a realm of candy I might actually want to eat. My children will most likely put these to the side and I’ll be able to stuff them into my sweatpants so they can warm up a little. Then I will lay them on the kitchen table and eat them by color alphabetically while thinking about the friends I’ve lost touch with.
24. Hershey’s Cookies and Cream
It sort of looks like white dog shit, it sort of tastes like white dog shit, but sometimes you just want the white dog shit. You can’t explain it, you wish things were different, you wish you never had kids to begin with. I know you’re with me. That’s why I tell my kids “white chocolate makes you go bald.” And then they hand it over.
23. Sweetarts
Of all the chalky, dim-colored wafers Sweetarts are head and shoulders above the rest. I might not tell my kids these are poisoned, but I will pick up the package and say “Woah, they still make these? I thought they took them off the market after all those kids in Florida ate them and went blind.”
22. Rolo
I’ve never been standing in line at CVS glancing at the candy and reaching for a packet of Rolos. But on Halloween I find myself pigging out. Maybe it’s because the first time we took my oldest son trick or treating I told him Rolos are made out of dog diarrhea. It’s not my fault he believed me.
21. Kit Kat
Last yeah I might have gone a little overboard, I was craving Kit Kats, I told my kids I saw a news report about how there was a mix up at the Kit Kat plant and some of the candy was made with cat litter. I ate 36 Kit Kats that night while lightly mumbling “Gibe me a break, give me a break” until the sun came up. I don’t want that to happen again this year.
20. Jolly Ranchers
Kids are smart, it’s tough to tell them that the Grape and Cherry flavors are completely safe, but Watermelon and Green Apple will kill you instantly. They will call your bluff, and so your best bet is to steal the good flavors by distracting them. I’ll tell my kids “Mom is back” and they get so excited they leave their candy unguarded. Yes, they cry when they realize I was lying, but they should know by now she’s never coming back.