MACON, Ga. — Panic-stricken and barely coherent GWAR roadie Miles Giodarno was spotted dashing through the streets of Macon, desperately trying to secure a whopping 236 gallons of alien cum just hours before the band’s show, confirmed sources.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck,” exclaimed Giodarno through the mostly empty streets of the sleepy, southern town. “The band goes on in two hours, and they just now realized that they must have hit a bump somewhere in North Carolina, leaking ET jizz all over I-95. Now I’m stuck hitting up every big box store in the area, because apparently you can’t play live music without showering your audience in alien cum. And yes, I know it’s not really extraterrestrial semen. But that doesn’t help me to find 236 gallons of toaster strudel glaze and green food dye this late on a Sunday.”
Convenience store clerk Tamara Jenkins recalled her “vivid” encounter with the wild-eyed Giodarno that evening.
“Dude came in here like a bat out of hell. He was practically shaking. I thought he was either on something or running from the cops. Then he screams at me, ‘I need all the cum you got. No time for questions,’” said Jenkins. “Before I could pull out the mini bat I stashed behind the counter he explained how he works for GWAR. He bought up all the face lotion we had, saying maybe if he watered it down with some of the green Gatorade it would have just the right ‘intergalactic viscosity.’”
GWAR’s lead singer and metal icon, Blothar the Berserker, took a moment to clarify the whole situation.
“Look, this was just a prank,” Blothar explained. “Miles was the new guy on the team, and well, you don’t just get thrown into this job without learning the hard way. So we sent him off to fetch the alien cum, knowing full well he’d have no fucking idea where to get it. It’s tradition. We hazed him. Hell, we don’t even use alien cum in our show. Alien blood, sure. Animal cum, without a doubt. But alien cum? Nah, we’re better than that.”
At press time, Giodarno’s hazing continued after being forced to single-handedly mop the entire stage wearing only a leather g-string.