ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to tune his vacuum cleaner before taking the stage at his most recent live show, disgusted sources report.
“Oh man, I’m so disappointed in myself,” Sours lamented. “I spent hours rehearsing before this show, and I threw it all away by forgetting to tune my Dirt Devil. I had it all planned out, too. I was going to throw myself on the ground and wriggle around for a little while, then stand up, grab the vacuum, and wrap myself up in the power cord before falling down and wriggling around some more. However, when I turned on the vacuum, it was clearly out of tune. I was so embarrassed, but at that point there was nothing I could do. I’m not going to be able to show my face in this town again.”
Audience member Shanice Harkin was displeased by the performance.
“Ugh, what is this, amateur hour?” Harkin grumbled. “Everybody knows vacuum cleaners need to be tuned to D. Frankly, I was impressed when Sours got on stage with that Dirt Devil, because that’s the hardest brand to tune. However, it soon became evident that he was in over his head with that thing. He needs to go back to basics and start using a Hoover or Eureka for his live performances, but I won’t be watching. I have a little thing called ‘standards’ when I go to noise shows. I’m only going to watch a true professional dance around like a fucking idiot on stage.”
Noise expert George Sok was asked for his opinion on the matter.
“Noise artists are incredibly meticulous when it comes to their live performances, so I find this little snafu surprising,” Sok noted. “Whether it’s making sure their power tools have enough battery or the clothing rack they’re rolling around on is safely put together, they always make sure no stone goes unturned in ensuring they’re putting forth their best, most nonsensical show. This is honestly the first mistake I’ve seen in all of my years researching noise, and the fact that it’s such a glaring one makes it all the more surprising. Everybody knows making sure your vacuum is tuned should be the first thing on every noise artist’s mind.”
At press time, Sours further embarrassed himself by forgetting to expose his genitals before shitting on the floor and eating it.
