16. Jayden Daniels, Washington Commanders
We don’t know for sure how good Jayden is going to be since he is a rookie. All we know is that he uses his legs to avoid dangerous situations. Those skills typically translate nicely from the collegiate level to the Komodo-escaping level.
15. Deshaun Watson, Cleveland Browns
Deshaun was once one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL when he was with the Texans, but he’s been pretty down bad ever since joining the Cleveland Browns. There are only two explanations for this. He either lost a couple of fingers years ago from an aggressive dragon attack or it’s because he plays for a team whose team colors are the same complexion as human excrement.
14. C.J. Stroud, Houston Texans
C.J. won rookie of the year honors last season so he has a lot of expectations coming into 2024. Or he could go through a sophomore slump, which could definitely happen considering Texas is known to have a ton of animal attacks, including mountain lions, rattlesnakes, bees, black widow spiders, feral pigs, brain-eating amoebas, and presumably Komodo dragons. He has bigger things to worry about than football at the moment.
13. Sam Darnold, Minnesota Vikings
Sam has never been thrusted into a favorable NFL situation, whether it was playing for the Jets or the Panthers. The Vikings might be a better landing spot, but on the other hand, teammate TJ Hockenson owns several dragons himself, so this could be the year Sam puts it all together or completely loses his middle three fingers.
12. Derek Carr, New Orleans Saints
The Big Easy is known for their fair share of alligators. You can even take a bayou tour to see them. Sure, Derek will lose a couple fingers after getting too close to a gator in November, but that’s not technically a Komodo dragon. For all we know, this could be a midseason stat correction.
11. Matthew Stafford, Los Angeles Rams
A couple of dragons are definitely going to get to Stafford one way or another this year, as they always do. But luckily it’ll be to his non-throwing hand, so he’ll be just fine for the playoff push in the second half of the season. Worry not, Stafford truthers.
10. Kirk Cousins, Atlanta Falcons
Kirk seems like one of those guys that’s into owning exotic animals. He went through his big cat phase after watching “Tiger King.” Then he got really into chimpanzees after hearing about that woman that got her face ripped off by one. He’s now considering introducing Komodo Dragons into his residential zoo after a viewing of “Godzilla x Kong” in the theater. This is a recipe for a saurian disaster.
9. Trevor Lawrence, Jacksonville Jaguars
Judging by the length of Trevor’s hair, he either has or really wants to check out Komodo National Park, which is home to the largest population of Komodo dragons on the planet. It’s the only national park where everyone leaves with less extremities than they arrived with.
8. Brock Purdy, San Francisco 49ers
Brock doesn’t believe Komodo dragons exist. He thought they were just a made up thing for the nature documentary he watched recently that was narrated by Morgan Freeman. Unfortunately, they do very much exist and are out for professional quarterback blood. This will be Brock’s undoing in the NFL.
7. Russell Wilson, Pittsburgh Steelers
If you’ve ever seen Russell’s Subway sandwich commercials, you just know DangerRuss can’t hold his own against a pack of finger-snatching reptiles. He can handle pet-sitting his buddy’s iguana for the weekend. The last time he did, he lost three toes in his sleep.
6. Will Levis, Tennessee Titans
Will Levis is the kind of person that shows up to the zoo and taunts the animals in the exhibits. One day he will accidentally fall into the Komodo dragon enclosure, like that one kid famously did at the Cincinnati Zoo with the gorillas. This could be the year we get a reptilian Harambe. Could be worth it.
5. Justin Herbert, Los Angeles Chargers
Justin looks like the kind of guy who would want to get a little closer to a monitor lizard and take a quick selfie. However, Komodo dragon strikes most frequently occur during Instagram photo shoots. Justin will learn the hard way that these tyrannosaurus lizards actually get you a ton of social media engagement if you post a pic of your bloody hand afterwards.
4. Daniel Jones, New York Giants
The over/under on Daniel Jones’ fingers by the end of the season is eight. Take the under for sure. This man can’t finish a season without losing body parts.
3. Baker Mayfield, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Florida is full of exotic pet owners who always forget to lock up the Komodos at the end of the day. Plus, this state has the most exotic animal-related fatalities in the country. Several dozen will likely break loose this fall and Baker will be toast if he doesn’t implement any Komodo safeguards. There goes his NFL redemption.
2. Bo Nix, Denver Broncos
Rookie quarterbacks are notoriously ineffective in their first season fending off Komodo dragons. This is not looking like a productive, finger-keeping year for the 12th overall pick in the draft. Plus, it wasn’t that long ago that the Broncos introduced a live horse as their mascot and it was engulfed by a Komodo by week four. This franchise never learns.
1. Aaron Rodgers, New York Jets
Aaron has won the MVP award a lofty four times in his career with the Packers, but he now plays for the Jets, which means his chances of suffering a devastating achilles injury four snaps into the year or losing several digits in a Komodo dragon catastrophe are at an all-time high. As a Jets fan, this is depressing news. Same old Jets.
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