YUMA, Ariz. — Local dive bar The Rusty Splinter announced a new program to accept discarded bassists in a more humane way via a secure drop box, according to passersby who thought the bar was shut down by local health officials a long time ago.
“Today we are launching the country’s first safe haven drop box program specifically for unwanted bassists,” said bar owner Mark McGuffy. “After years of added expense trying to deal with all the abandoned musicians we’ve found hidden in and around our property, we were forced to create this new initiative in the hopes that bands would be a little more compassionate in how they threw away these unloved members. We made this decision out of compassion, and also because the authorities caught wind of our plan to cull them.”
Local bassist Trevor LeClare had mixed feelings about this new announcement.
“Don’t get me wrong, having a safe way for our community to be tossed out is important,” echoed LeClare’s voice from inside of a drop box. “But you know what’s an even better idea? Treating us with respect and not throwing us out like some street trash. I guess that’s too much to ask, and we should just be happy with the crumbs society throws our way. Hey, can you do me a favor and turn me over? I can’t feel my left arm.”
Inventor of the drop boxes, Henry Daru, explained the new program.
“My invention initially was exclusively for abandoned babies to be dropped off without judgement,” said Daru. “But we were quickly inundated with phone calls from business owners asking what they were supposed to do with some drunk off his ass bassist who was stashed in a coat room or under a pile of cardboard in their back alley. Now, nobody ever has to see these unwanted people again, especially after they’re picked up for collection and dropped off hundreds of miles away in the woods.”
At press time, the program was also set to announce a new partnership with local non-kill animal shelters where bassists would be given their own kennels with a nice green space to run.
