NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Garage punk band Diarrhea Planet issued an apology for releasing good music after having chosen such an awful band name, sources report.
“From the bottom of our hearts, everyone in Diarrhea Planet sincerely apologizes,” said frontman Jordan Smith. “When we named our band, we had no idea that we would end up writing multiple studio albums and EPs of high-quality music. We were just fooling around with our instruments in a garage and wanted to gross people out. We were already well-known in our local scene by the time we were recording in a professional studio, so it was too late for a name change. Nonetheless, this is something we should have caught earlier, and for that, we have nothing to offer our fans aside from earnest contrition.”
Fan Hannah Brier was not sure whether she accepted the apology.
“I’m going to have to think about this for a while,” Brier sighed. “I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me what I’m listening to on my headphones or my car stereo, and I furiously blush as I tell them the name. Ugh, I hate saying it out loud. Couldn’t they have opted for almost literally any other name for their band? Christ, even ‘Poop Planet’ would have been an improvement. At the very least, they could have had the decency to make terrible music that nobody wanted to listen to. I absolutely hate that they’re one of my favorites.”
Music expert Reginald Young reflected on the disconnect that sometimes occurs between bands and their names.
“This certainly isn’t the first time that a band has made good music while having a horrible name, but it might be the most egregious example,” Young said. “This is especially prevalent in genres aside from metal, as you rarely hear Dying Fetus fans complain about the band’s moniker, for example. Bands like The Band or Death Cab for Cutie are known for making good music despite the fact that their names are abominable. My advice to fans is to just continue shrugging sheepishly when telling friends and family what music they’re listening to or what band they’re going to see. Particularly with Diarrhea Planet, there’s really no other approach that I can think of.”
At press time, Smith offered to change the band’s logo to unreadable black metal font so fans wouldn’t feel embarrassed to wear their shirts.
