NORTH VERNON, Ind. — Local father of three Steve Whipple sang Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” while grilling for friends and family, even replicating Robert Plant’s ecstatic moaning, according to mortified sources.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Whipple while dry-rubbing a brisket. “Everyone knows it’s part of my grilling tradition: I put on my apron, turn on the classic rock station and sing every single word and bodily noise as I cook. No one has an issue when it’s David Bowie or The Beatles, but all of a sudden everyone gets bent out of shape about me singing a Zeppelin song? There’s nothing sexual about it, anyway. Robert Plant was simply expressing the uninhibited joy of rock and roll, that’s all.“
Whipple’s daughter Morgan had to excuse herself when the mock-climax became too intense.
“I grew up with this, so I’m used to it to a degree,” said Morgan. “But I’ve never seen it this bad before. I brought my boyfriend back with me from college and I nearly died of embarrassment. I don’t even think my dad knew he was doing it. He was over there flipping burgers and making these gross sex sounds. Then he actually sang the line, ‘gonna give you every inch of my love’ and I just had to bail. What if the tables were turned? How would he like it if I sang ‘WAP’ at a family gathering?”
Rock journalist Rodney Crumb has compiled a list of songs which he says should never be sung in the presence of others.
“People singing along to music can be annoying enough,” said Crumb. “But we really don’t need to hear other people—parents, especially—singing overtly sexual material. That was the reason I put together my list. For example, no one wants to hear mom even hum the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ or George Michael’s ‘I Want Your Sex.’ I would advise everyone to simply hit skip or change the station if any of the songs on my list come on. My own father once sang along to Axl’s moaning in ‘Welcome To The Jungle’ on a family trip. I’m still haunted by it to this day.”
As of press time, the barbecue was reportedly cut short after Whipple stabbed himself in the buttock with a grill fork while doing a Mick Jagger dance to “Brown Sugar.”