PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report.
“Yeah, man. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember,” reported Gorski as he picked an old cigarette butt out of one of his dreadlocks. “The rampant consumerism and flag worship that’s shoved down all our throats as we grow up never appealed to me, nor did the bullshit music that’s always pervaded the airwaves. I grew up listening to stuff like Amebix and hometown heroes Aus-Rotten, but now I mainly only listen to Hank Williams. I’m not really sure what the reason is, either. One day I just woke up and that was the only music I was really interested in. I can’t help it anymore.”
Others in Gorski’s social circle have expressed confusion at his newfound listening preferences.
“I’ve known Eric ever since we were kids, and while I respect his rejection of capitalism, I wish he would shower more. Despite our differences we always got along really well,” said Gorski’s friend Danielle Burke. “The other day I visited his tattoo shop and he had ‘Move It on Over’ blasting out of the speakers. What’s weird is, Eric still looks exactly the same, and even has a brand new Hellbastard patch on the one pair of black jeans he always wears. I asked him if Hank Williams’ DIY approach to his career is what drew him to his music, and he kind of looked at me blankly, so I don’t think that’s it. This just seems to be something that kind of…happened with him as some sort of natural, biological process.”
Social psychologist Brianna Igwe of Carnegie Mellon University was not at all surprised at Gorski’s transformation.
“This is to be expected, as a sudden affinity for Hank Williams is thought to be the leading indicator that a crust punk has reached the final stage of lifecycle development,” Igwe offered. “I’ve conducted countless case studies on the subject, and while crust punks’ appearances will remain unchanged, they’ll inevitably reach a point where they literally only listen to Hank Williams. I’d love to be able to tell you what this evolves into, but without fail, all the subjects in my case studies have suddenly moved away to live out of their vans at some point during this stage. I fear it’s only a matter of time before Mr. Gorski disappears into the ether.”
At press time, Gorski had upended years of scientific consensus by revealing that he’s also been listening to Elvis.