ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local Christian rock band Trust Fall revealed that they are waiting until marriage to write any songs related to sexual intercourse, confirmed sources.
“Due to my religious beliefs, I abstain from composing songs about plowing until I say ‘I do’ or I get writer’s block and can’t think of any other lyrical topics,” said singer Lee Grommet. “Sure, I get laid all the time and have for years, but our songs will remain lyrically celibate until I find that special someone to blow my entire savings on a wedding with. After all, God once said, ‘Thou shalt not sing about boning until matrimony,’ and as a follower of Christ and someone who is driven by religious guilt, I will fully obey the gospel. Luckily there’s nothing in the Bible about pre-marital sex, so I think I’m good on that front. I don’t know for sure though. I’ve never read that thing.”
Fans of the band supported their decision to remain lyrically untainted.
“Finally a Christian rock band I can get behind,” said churchgoer Nancy Buxton. “It’s like every song on the radio is about sexual intercourse. ‘Tears in Heaven,’ ‘The Boys Are Back in Town,’ ‘Amish Paradise.’ Nothing but tracks about smashing. I wish more music would be sex-free, you know like Cardi B’s ‘WAP’ or LL Cool J’s ‘Doin’ It.’ Coitus is gross enough. I don’t need to hear about it through the magic of song too.”
Experts predicted that the band would run out of content to write about fairly quickly.
“Christian rock bands don’t exactly have an abundance of subject matter to pull from when coming up with material,” said music historian Grace Kurtz. “They do have God at their disposal, but that’s pretty much it. A good 65% of songs are about making love in some form or another. Another 15% is about drugs or partying. Then 10% is about politics and another 8% is about God. The remaining 2% just asks the question, ‘Who let the dogs out?’ A question we may never have an answer to.”
At press time, the band finally decided to write a song about sex but only using euphemisms and are set to release their new single “Bumpin’ Uglies” next month.