TAUARIAZINHO, Brazil — An encounter with an isolated tribe resulted in an unexpected discussion of the band Turnstile, according to dumbfounded jungle guides.
“My team and I were deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle in search of a mythical lost city,” said expedition lead Sir Henry Beauregard. “After days of hacking our way through the undergrowth, we encountered an indigenous group. We were able to communicate by using elements of several local dialects. Strangely, all they wanted to talk about was the musical group Turnstile. The chief showed us dozens of copies of the band’s album ‘Glow On,’ which he claimed were a gift from the gods that came floating downriver. They’d managed to listen to the music via a rudimentary phonograph made from a porcupine quill and a large leaf rolled into a conical shape.”
Cargo plane pilot Captain Greg Lander thinks he may know how the tribe came into possession of the records.
“Our flight paths occasionally have us flying over very remote areas,” said Captain Lander. “Sometimes atmospheric conditions will cause us to burn more fuel than usual, requiring us to dump weight to stay in the air. I do recall a few years ago, our cargo included dozens of crates of records destined for a distribution center in Brasilia. We ran into some trouble and had to jettison some of them over the jungle. My guess is a crate of Turnstile records landed in the river and wound up at that village. They should be grateful we dumped those and not the Benson Boone records.”
It is often problematic when Western culture permeates secluded societies, explained anthropologist Susan Montgomery.
“Unfortunately, uncontacted peoples’ first encounters with modern civilization are often via accidental exposure to mass-produced goods. For instance, there is an African tribe who came to believe a Furby they came across was a demon which needed to be appeased with sacrifices. Indonesia’s Polahi tribe have been observed worshipping a shrine made of Garfield phones which washed up on their shores in the ‘80s. And there’s a group in the Australian outback whose ceremonial dress consists of ‘Whoomp! (There It Is)’ shirts they somehow acquired.”
At press time, the chief managed to get a copy of Turnstile’s new album “Never Enough,” which he deemed to be “decent, but a little too commercial sounding.”