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CDC Expands Vaccine Eligibility to People Who Currently Relate to Any Menzingers Album

ATLANTA — The CDC issued new guidance this week aimed at expanding COVID-19 vaccine access to individuals currently experiencing any age-related struggles chronicled by The Menzingers, whose penchant for coming-of-age introspection is a constant refrain in every album.

“Vaccine eligibility will now be extended to any music fan who identifies with the trappings of getting older that The Menzingers have explored ad nauseam,” said CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky. “This includes every young adult coming to terms with the sobering twilight of their late-20s, teenagers interested in smoking cigarettes outside of diners, and anyone that looks at their hands and thinks to themself ‘have they always looked this wrinkled?’ Typically fans of The Menzingers aren’t considered high risk unless you count their tendency to be crushed under the weight of nostalgia as making them more susceptible to the virus.”

The CDC’s latest recommendations would bring the country one step closer to achieving herd immunity and a long-anticipated return to pre-pandemic life.

“I can’t wait to go see an actual Menzingers show! I just got into the band a few months ago and have been listening to their first album on repeat,” said 16-year-old fan Rob Munney. “I’m so relieved that fun-loving teenagers with their entire lives in front of them can finally get the vaccine — I thought I’d have to wait until learning a few of the painful life lessons that would make the moodier stuff on ‘After the Party’ more accessible.”

Menzingers guitar player and co-vocalist Greg Barnett celebrated the CDC’s updated guidelines.

“This is the best birthday present any 33-year-old anxiously navigating the crossroads of middle adulthood could ask for! Can you believe we’ve been living like this for over a year now? It’s felt like a long, cold Pennsylvania night where you are stuck in the backseat of a car wishing you were on a train to anywhere but here,” said Barnett wistfully. “I honestly don’t know if I’ve been missing the way things were before COVID, or if all the beautiful moments during quarantine where I found deeper meaning in sorrow and isolation will be memories I take with me to the grave. I just hope I figure it out before I turn 35 and have to write a whole album to unpack all the baggage that comes with that depressing milestone.”

In a related story, Pfizer just published the results of a study that shows their vaccine is up to 95% effective at preventing COVID symptoms in Blink-182 fans who have no idea who Tom DeLonge is.