HAMEL, Ill. — Indie supergroup boygenius announced their North American tour is on hold after Julien Baker found herself in an unstoppable arm wrestling streak during a layover at a Pilot truck stop, confirmed multiple bearded sources.
“I was just trying to buy some fucking chips, and this gross asshole behind me makes a comment if my ‘hard work’ tattoo applied to making sandwiches. I don’t know what came over me but I knew that I had to destroy this man. I said I’d do it if he could beat me in arm wrestling, and that was three days and 25 of his little trucker friends ago,” said Baker between opponents. “Doing this tour with my best friends is important for me and the fans, but humbling misogynistic hicks is what I need to be doing right now. You can’t imagine the staggering power you feel pinning a guy with 16-inch biceps and a shirt that says ‘If you can read this the bitch fell off.’”
While Baker’s win streak was quickly becoming something of a folk legend, the band’s tour manager was desperate to get the tour back on track.
“We were supposed to be in Chicago yesterday, and now I’ve had to postpone that show and four more. I thought Lucy and Phoebe would want to get the show on the road too but they’ve been hyping Julien up and egging on more opponents. At this rate we may as well cancel all the European dates unless I can find a fight promoter,” said tour coordinator Trevor Falk. “Fucking look at her, there’s no fear in her eyes and no fatigue in her arms. If these rednecks don’t swallow their pride and just walk away, this tour will be a financial disaster.”
Truck stop owner Herschel Clemmens was impressed by Baker’s athleticism even compared to other artists who’ve passed through.
“They say legends are made on the road, and this young lady is a regular Annie Oakley. Truth is though many women singers have passed through our small town on the way to Chicago and shellacked unsuspecting locals,” said Clemmens “I met Stevie Nicks here in 1978, but I wouldn’t know she was a singer the way she was hustling guys in five finger filet in the parking lot. We once had a young lady named Fiona Apple come through and she drank a whole convoy under the table before playing a show. These fellas never seem to learn not to mess with these alternative ladies.”
As of press time, the tour announced it would resume immediately after the band quickly got back into the road upon Baker snapping a trucker’s arm like a twig.