RICHMOND, Va. — Members of the disbanded hardcore group Surge Protector reunited in secret last night to discuss ending their retirement to make one last big drink ticket score, hushed sources confirmed.
“We picked up some intel on a new venue in town that’s allegedly handing out an unprecedented four drink tickets per band member,” said the former group’s floor tom/trash can player Lisa Guerito. “Right before we called it quits, we had at least eight members in the band — sometimes nine or 10 — so the haul could potentially be a 30-pack. That’s tough to pass up.”
With the size of the potential score, band members moved quickly to confirm the intel.
“I thought it was total bullshit,” said the group’s founder and guitarist Serge Rivera. “They’d go out of business as soon as a ska tour rolled through town — it’s simple math. You’re lucky if a club gives you one ticket and a punch in the throat these days.”
“But we asked around, and not only is it true, these amateurs are actually exchanging them for PBR Tallboys, so really it’s almost like you’re getting FIVE drink tickets,” agreed second drummer Mike Takia. “We need to move on this before these fools realize what they’re doing.”
Knowing they had to assemble the group and get the show booked as quickly as possible, Rivera embarked on a 13-hour drive to his former singer’s mountaintop cabin to persuade the now-reclusive frontman to suit up for one last score.
“The whole caper hinges on [singer] Davey [Capaldi],” Rivera said. “We can’t do it without him — he’s the only one who can scream into a mic. Plus, he’s sober now, so that means me and everyone else have even more beer. Unless he uses his tickets to get a food item, of course.”
Allegedly, the two band members had been estranged since the group split up following Capaldi’s departure from the hardcore scene to pursue a simple life of shirtless wood chopping in the nearby Shenandoah mountains.
“When I finally made it to the cabin, he just whispered, ‘How’d you find me?’” said Rivera. “Then I saw his rucksack on the porch — he was already packed. He knew. Somehow, he just knew.”
Photo by Kat Chish.