FAIRHAVEN, Mass. — A new baby daughter helped local couple Ben and Hannah Brenner reconnect, though her arrival signaled the end of the father’s band, according to the relieved mothers-in-law.
“I know that having a baby to save a marriage isn’t always the greatest idea,” said Mr. Brenner while changing a diaper on top of a disused Marshall 4×12 cabinet. “However, in this case it seems to have worked. Hannah and I are growing closer than ever as we navigate the challenges of parenthood together. Of course, having a baby means I no longer had time for my band, The Razor Snakes. No more touring in a van with the guys or partying backstage. I kind of had to leave the punk lifestyle behind. That being said, parenthood is pretty punk rock if you ask me.”
The other members of The Razor Snakes were disappointed that the band had to end.
“Ben promised us he’d still make time for the band and that nothing would change,” said drummer Phil Pappas. “But somewhere around the third trimester it was clear he couldn’t be a dad and a degenerate punk guitarist. I mean, good for him for being a responsible husband and father, but also, that’s lame as hell. The thing is, we used to practice in his garage—now there’s a Diaper Genie where my kick drum used to be. We’re currently auditioning new guitarists who have a garage or basement and have also had a vasectomy.”
Veteran rock musician Brent Dix says he’s seen this scenario play out many times over his career.
“There is no greater threat to a rock band than a baby,” said Dix. “Your bandmate will claim that they won’t change, but it’s inevitable. They stop coming to practice, they bail out on shows. Then they disappear altogether. You see them a few months later and it’s like they’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome, saying things like, ‘Some of They Might Be Giants’ kids songs actually kind of slap.’ The music gear begins collecting dust. This Ben guy probably won’t pick up a guitar again until his kid is off to college.”
At press time, Mr. Brenner listed his beloved ‘78 Stratocaster on reverb.com to help with daycare costs.
