BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just waiting until the right moment to tell you how much she likes your Gorguts shirt, overly confident sources report.
“She immediately caught my eye when I hopped on at the last stop,” you mentioned. “So I made sure to stand about five feet away from her, and I’m positioned so if she looks up from her book she’ll definitely be able to see my shirt. It has the artwork from their ‘Obscura’ album, so I’ll know she’ll appreciate how intelligent I am. I’m a sophisticated metalhead with a taste for profound lyrical themes, atonal melodies and unconventional song structures, and it shows. I’m willing to bet that she’ll immediately fall into my arms the second she notices me.”
Amelia Barnhardt, the woman you’ve been observing, was unaware that she was being passively courted.
“I just finished a long day at work, and I only want to make it home unbothered,” Barnhardt sighed. “I’m a nurse, so I’ve been on my feet for hours. It’s a huge relief to sit down and read a chapter of the latest book in the ‘Stormlight Archive’ before I get to my apartment and collapse into bed. I don’t know what a ‘Gorguts’ is or why I should care why some dude with greasy hair and glasses keeps pushing in front of the people standing across from me and watching me out of the corner of his eyes. Honestly, can I just get from my job to my home without being leered at by creepy dweebs and guys who like bands no one’s ever heard of? Is that too much to ask for?”
Sociologist Tanvi Barrett has studied these situations before.
“This is sadly common among metalheads,” Barrett confirmed. “They’ll spend an unbelievable amount of time meticulously combing through their shirt collections before getting dressed, as if anybody would notice. God forbid they get a rare compliment from a passerby, because that will validate this entire practice for years to come. I have yet to come across an instance of a metalhead gaining the affections of a woman solely as a result of the shirt he’s wearing, but try communicating that to them. They’re all seemingly convinced that women are crawling over one another to fawn over their Monstrosity shirts.”
At press time, you had repositioned yourself so Barnhardt had a clear view of the new Dismember tattoo on your right forearm.