OTTAWA, Ontario — Beloved ‘90s singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette updated her classic song “Ironic” to highlight the absurdity that the only attractive member of Limp Bizkit, guitarist Wes Borland, frequently wears masks or face paint, her record label announced.
“I was chilling on the couch watching Rig Rundown videos when I saw Wes Borland’s face for the first time- dude is a fuckin’ dime piece! It’s a crime against humanity that he wears a mask,” opined Morissette, who last updated a song to add reference to texting via Motorola Razr into “Hand in my Pocket.” “Let’s just say the irony was not lost on me. All performances moving forward will contain the line, and the song will be re-recorded. And I swear to God if you little shits start saying that this isn’t ironic either, I’ll cut you.”
Borland, longtime masked guitarist of nu metal stalwarts Limp Bizkit, was apparently taken aback by the shoutout.
“This song is making my life really weird really quickly. Now I have a bunch of Gen-Xers sending me messages asking if I want to come over for some ‘Murphy Brown and chill,’” said Borland, who for years struggled with the image of being Limp Bizkit’s token talented member. “I had all my locks changed on my house, and I’m having all my masks changed just for safe measure. I’m filing a restraining order. And Fred has been supportive by sending me demos of Alanis diss tracks. They are heinously offensive, and none of them could be released after the year 2003. But it’s the thought that counts.”
People Magazine, creators of the annual Sexiest Man Alive feature, offered their thoughts on the hunks of the nu metal genre.
“Nu metal dudes are generally ugly as fuck, so when a genuine looker comes around we take notice,” stated Kelly Bloom, editor-in-chief of People Magazine. “Our list of the sexiest nu metal musicians was short lived from 1999-2001. Wes Borland topped it every time, followed by Wayne Static. No one could resist those locks. After that, it was pretty slim pickings. I dare you to try to write a convincing blurb about how you want to fuck Munky from Korn or the flat earther from Deftones. It’s impossible.”
Fellow singer-songwriter titan Tracy Chapman is rumored to be considering updating her hit “Fast Car” with a line about how thankful she is to not be riding in a Cybertruck.