20. Cartwheels
This one needs a flashy name to generate interest. They would be extremely difficult to sell otherwise simply because they do not have any discernible features. It’s just a blob of baked cookie dough. Glenn needs something to build from.
19. Cinna-Spins
Cinna-Spins look like mini-cinnamon rolls. To sell these, Glenn is going to regale customers with a story about how he once split a cinnamon roll with Henry Rollins in 1989 at a Cinnabon. This won’t work as well as Glenn thinks it will, but people will buy a few anyway because they like the little spinny thingee on them.
18. Van’chos
Presumably short for “vanilla/chocolates,” these ones are of the cream cookie family. Glenn would be adamant that you’d have to separate the two sides and lick the cream before you could ingest the actual cookie part. Glenn will make a convincingly strong case.
17. Thank You Berry Much
Glenn loves a good pun (see: “Ghouls Night Out”). He can’t get enough of them. His pitch will include no less than 15 more instances of wordplay. Customers will appreciate the effort and be dazzled by his preparation.
16. Cinnamon Oatmeal Raisin Bar
This one doesn’t have a flashy name, so Glenn would take it upon himself to make one. Only he’d go with Cinnamon Fuck Demons. This will go over extremely well in the metalhead community.
15. Tagalongs
To sell these, Glenn is going to set up a stand at Costco and give out free samples. He will be kicked out before anyone can place orders. But he’d definitely generate a buzz beforehand.
14. Friendship Circles
Each of these cookies is decorated with the word “friend” in 18 languages. Glenn will then go on a rant about how it would be better if the word “enemy” or better yet “vampire” was on it. He has a point.
13. Forget-Me-Nots
Forget-Me-Nots are made of granola. Glenn is going to clean up with the 75 and older demographic.
12. Adventurefuls
While he gets a lot of them sold on name recognition alone, Glenn will receive several complaints about half the box missing. These are Danzig’s favorite and he just can’t help himself.
11. Snaps
Glenn wouldn’t know how to pitch this one, so he’d make up a story about how his song “Skulls” is a metaphor for “Snaps.” He would say that the lyric “I want your skull” is about these iced oatmeal raisin cookies. It’d work surprisingly well.
10. S’mores
Glenn would do a live demonstration of how to make real s’mores from a campfire. No one really asked for it, but no one is going to turn down to a freshly made one. While he’s got the campfire going he figures he could get in a quick ghost story or two.
9. Chalet Creme
Chalet Cremes have little works of art on each cookie and are intricately designed with an impression of a chalet. Halfway through his pitch, Danzig is going to get lost in the cookie art and will need a moment to collect himself. Accidentally, this will work on customers.
8. Toffee-Tastic
Toffee-Tastics were certified gluten-free, which means you can eat the whole package and not gain any weight. I don’t know if that’s true but that’s how Danzig would pitch it.
7. Upside Down Frosted Oatmeal (Upside Downs)
Danzig would spend several minutes explaining how this cookie would be the favorite of swamp-based monsters. He’d be so pedantic in his approach that people would buy them just to shut him up. Inadvertently, it’d be a very effective strategy.
6. Samoas
Samoas are one of the best-selling Girl Scout cookies. Probably because they’re chewy, flaky, crispy, salty, and sweet all in one bite. Glenn has been selling these mentally for years so he’s already prepared.
5. Chocolate Chunks
These look like classic chocolate chip cookies. Glenn doesn’t need much of a pitch to get customers on board with these, but while he has you here he’d really like to talk about his 2019 movie called “Verotika.”
4. Do-Si-Dos
This one has peanut butter in the center, so Glenn is going to bring along a dog to show how much they enjoy these cookies. He’d do this outside of a Petco and clean up.
3. Double Dutch
Pigment-wise, these are one of the darkest cookies on the market. Glenn would say that it will go with every outfit and black is a generally slimming color on cookies. Easy money.
2. Kookaburras
Kookaburras sounds like the name of a werewolf or cryptozoological demon creature with hooves, even though it’s actually the name of a bird. Glenn could sell these using only his eyes.
1. Thin Mints
This is the most popular Girl Scout product of all time. If Glenn can’t sell these, why is he even affiliated with the Girl Scouts to begin with?