15. Richard Hell and the Voidoids “Blank Generation” (1977)
This has one of those “you had to be in New York in the ‘70s to truly understand it” kind of feels, which means it’s not meant to be touched because you shouldn’t live in the past. You should let it writhe in the corner until it dies.
14. Jawbreaker “Unfun” (1990)
Jawbreaker is known for their poetic-like lyricism, which means you’ll be expected to listen to and memorize all of the words if you want to fit in, not just peruse the music. There is so much homework with punk music.
13. Joy Division “Unknown Pleasures” (1979)
Sure, it’s technically post-punk, but how are we supposed to know that? We just think the shirt with the squiggly lines is pretty neat. Cool graphics and imagery are the only thing that matters in any variation of punk.
12. Minutemen “Double Nickels on the Dime” (1984)
If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Jackass” you’ve heard this band in the former show’s theme song, which means you’ve got the gist of this album. Plus, there’s like 50 songs on this album. Who’s got time for all that?
11. The Germs “GI” (1979)
You know more facts about these band members than their music. For instance, you know singer Darby Crash died young, and guitarist Pat Smear was in late-stage Nirvana and is currently in Foo Fighters. That’s plenty of knowledge to crush at parties. No need to explore further.
10. GG Allin “Always Was, Is and Always Shall Be” (1980)
GG Allin is iconic for a lot of reasons, though none of those reasons are because of the music he created. Better off skipping this one altogether, and if you aren’t aware of his stage antics, might as well skip that part too.
9. Black Flag “My War” (1984)
Henry Rollins seems like the kind of guy that would ask you to name three songs of the band you’re wearing a shirt of. So if you’re ever caught wearing a Black Flag shirt around him, just make up a bunch of song titles and tell Henry that they’re from the Ron Reyes era. He won’t fact-check.
8. Suicidal Tendencies “Suicidal Tendencies” (1983)
Knowing about the existence of Suicidal Tendencies is probably enough to impress the biggest of fans. As long as you stay quiet during conversation and respond in one-word answers you’ll probably be fine. If not, you’ll still be fine anyway.
7. Television “Marquee Moon” (1977)
Television is considered extremely influential and they were a staple during the 1970s New York City punk scene. If only that translated into listenable music and something you can play at parties in between Post-Malone and Charli XCX.
6. Hüsker Dü “Zen Arcade” (1984)
Pretending to listen to legendary albums takes a lot of work. For one, you have to learn how to pronounce the band’s name first. Unfortunately, those little dots above the “u” letters in Hüsker Dü aren’t helping with this one. Good luck out there. It’s not safe.
5. Sonic Youth “Evol” (1986)
It’s hard to tell if Sonic Youth is good. Judging by their status in the music world, they must be. But I guess we’ll never know for sure, and we won’t be delving any further or jumping to any rash conclusions.
4. NOFX “Punk in Drublic” (1994)
Singer Fat Mike opened the Punk Rock Museum 2023, which means if you want to avoid listening to this album, you can just buy a plane ticket to Las Vegas, pay hundreds of dollars in lodging, and just ogle punk exhibits in person. That’s equivalent.
3. Refused “The Shape of Punk to Come” (1998)
Pretending to like an album does not mean that the record is actually bad. It just means you’d sometimes rather listen to Spotify’s Daily Mix 4 for the sixth straight week instead because it’s more familiar. Our brains prefer pattern recognition and fears change.
2. Cro-Mags “The Age of Quarrel” (1986)
After legal disputes, the original Cro-Mags became two subsidiary Cro-Mags. This band’s historical plot is going to be hard to follow if you’re just joining. Better off staying far away from this one and just say something like “Cro-Mags slaps” if you’re ever asked.
1. Suicide “Suicide” (1977)
Sincerely enjoying a particular type of non-mainstream music often comes with scrutiny from people who also like the exact same thing. No one knows why this is. Can’t we all just enjoy and pretend to enjoy Suicide and punk music together?
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