New Mexico: Scared of Chaka
Scared of Chaka may sound more like Social D than The Wonder Years, but pop-punk must be defended everywhere. The members of Scared of Chaka aren’t scared of getting their hands dirty and would use a full slate of Samurai weapons.
New York: Ramones
Okay, hear me out. Yes, to punks, the Ramones are considered one of the original bands of the genre. They are seen as a pure punk band and the very notion that they’d be considered “pop-punk” is blasphemous. However, there are many pop-punk fans who never got further into punk and they think a lot of the Ramones music sounds exactly like pop-punk. If you were a huge Green Day/Blink 182 fan and never got into punk, when you heard the Ramones the first time, wouldn’t you put them in the same category? Regardless of what punks think, pop-punk fans would firmly tap the Ramones to defend New York from those wishing to tread upon pop-punk. As for weapons, they’d use a bunch of stabby things. They are punks from New York in the ‘80s after all.
North Carolina: Farewell
With bouncy riffs and even bouncier hairdos, North Carolina’s finest defunct pop-punk sextet would be eager and willing to take up arms and defend the genre with all the might of the American South. Farewell would cut through pop-punk’s aggressors with colonial muskets.
North Dakota: Brooklane
There’s no band you want defending pop-punk from northern aggression more than Brooklane. Brooklane combines the ‘90s Blink 182 sound with the defend pop-punk era. They would defend North Dakota pop-punk mostly with protective winter gear.
Ohio: Relient K
In an effort to get both God and fans of puns on their side, pop-punk would absolutely recruit Relient K to help in the fight. Relient K is all about turning the other cheek, which is why they’d use their bare hands to slap the absolute shit out of emo or metal or whoever is threatening pop-punk this time.
Oklahoma: The All-American Rejects
Don’t be thrown by their TRL good looks, these pretty boys will fight to the bitter end for pop-punk. The All-American Rejects may have dipped in and out of the genre over their career, but they agreed to stay loyal to pop-punk as long as they only had to defend Oklahoma. They defend it with a scythe, like in Children of the fucking Corn.
Oregon: All Girl Summer Fun Band
Even Oregon’s pop-punk bands are quirky. Regardless, All Girl Summer Fun Band is here to do two things: make catchy pop-indie-punk and defend the genre. And they’re all out of catchy pop-indie-punk. Their weapon of choice? Proximity mines. I assume those are real and not just from Goldeneye.
Pennsylvania: The Wonder Years
Another slam dunk defender of pop-punk, The Wonder Years’ sound practically defines the DPP era. After years of pop-punk being infused with emo, The Wonder Years dragged the genre punching and kicking into the future with the very fitting line, “I’m not sad anymore.” They are tier one operators in the war for defending pop-punk. They’d throw locally sourced Philly pigeons at all who would come at the genre.
Rhode Island: The Callouts
The Callouts provide solid pop-punk, suitable for providing a lookout for the genre out of their Rhode Island base. They’d use the same telescope (or whatever) they’d use to spot ships to beat anyone who makes it to shore senseless.
South Carolina: Stretch Arm Strong
South Carolina’s hardcore roots run so deep that even their best example of pop-punk can summon a wall of death. Seriously, who else were we gonna go with? Emery? Stretch Arm Strong will defend pop-punk, less because they want to help the genre and more because it’s a fight. SAS will roll up their sleeveless shirts and defend with their fists.