20. Grey-Haired Man
Grey-Haired Man once hired a prostitute with Skinner’s credit card in an attempt to discredit him. He could have just talked to the guy man to man. That’s a complete dick move and just the type of behavior we’d expect from someone throwing elbows at the edge of the pit. We’d stop the investigation here if we thought any self-respecting venue would let him through the door in the first place.
19. Rob Roberts
Despite being fatally wounded by FBI agents in an altercation, we don’t really believe the mutated brain-feeding humanoid Rob Roberts is actually dead. In fact, due to his last known location being in Costa Mesa, California, we have strong reason to believe he’s the one kicking in heads along the coast with a notedly sinister motivation. No reports of brain eating have emerged though… yet.
18. Betty
Betty is a sentient pin-up tattoo that asks her wearer to maim people she doesn’t like. If he doesn’t do it, she calls him a ‘loser’ and other hurtful names. It’s actually kind of sick that she does that, but she probably wouldn’t be able to do too much damage in the pit on her own. Still, there are a lot of people that could. Chances are at least a handful of those assholes have this exact tattoo emblazoned upon their forearms.
17. Big Blue
Though Big Blue is technically a mythical sea serpent bound to a lake, the theory of evolution dictates that, eventually, it will sprout legs and walk on land. It won’t take long after that point for it to learn to throw hands. Due to the creature’s elusive nature, this could have happened without us noticing long ago.
16. Cigarette Smoking Man
We’re sure you thought this would be our number one suspect, but let’s face it. Dude has been chain smoking for, like, a hundred years probably. There’s no way he’s out there flailing fists without passing the fuck out immediately. He is a massive asshole though, so we’ll keep him firmly in the top twenty.
15. Trashman
Correct us if we’re wrong, but Trashman looks an awful lot like Rancid’s Tim Armstrong. There’s no way this guy hasn’t instigated a pig pile at minimum. Still, he seems like a pretty solitary guy who doesn’t stray far from his squat. The same can’t be said for his diabolical creation, though.
14. Band-Aid Nose Man
No, Band-Aid Nose Man isn’t some unreleased Rancid song you’ve never heard, it’s a figment of Trashman’s imagination that manifested itself as a living, breathing, killing machine. While Band-Aid Nose Man’s primary objective was to protect those in the homeless camp shared by Trashman, he obviously took it a little too far. Who’s to say he didn’t wander into a few fests to cause a ruckus?
13. Jenn
When Jenn was a genie, or jinn, she felt trapped by constantly granting wishes for others. This resulted in a lot of fuckery on her end until Mulder wished for her freedom. Mulder has been known to make some questionable choices, so we have to consider the possibility that he inadvertently unleashed a total fucking monster to venues all along the West Coast.
12. The Puppet
The Stupendous Yappi, who had never met the homicidal maniac known as The Puppet, described him in a vision as “a white male, age seventeen to thirty-four, with or without a beard, maybe a tattoo… who’s impotent.” We don’t know about you, but that sounds like the exact appearance of an average crowd killer to us. Though The Puppet seemed to target fortune tellers exclusively, we can’t rule out the likelihood of him stumbling into a show or two along the way.
11. Cecil L’Ively
Cecil L’Ively loves starting shit. Particularly fires. Telekinetic pyromania withstanding, we doubt Cecil would pass up a chance to metaphorically fire up a pit. He’s probably even the type to think that he’s elevating the show instead of causing unnecessary and astronomical ER bills. What an absolute monster.
10. Eugene Victor Tooms
There’s absolutely no doubt that Tooms would absolutely land a roundhouse kick to someone’s lower jaw if he could. Sadly, his supernatural power to slither into impossibly tight spaces would make the act almost impossibly difficult to pull off. We’re sure it works wonders for getting from the bar back to the front of the stage though.
9. The First Elder
While supposedly dead, some nerd on Reddit said The First Elder wasn’t actually killed by Alien Rebels in the sixth season, and is in fact on the lam. This guy really seems like he’s into some mosh fuckery. He’s all about setting traps and assassinating people, but that opportunity only arises every so often, especially now that he’s unemployed. It’s only natural that he would look for less conspicuous outlets for his destructive urges.
8. Dana Scully
We have no evidence to back this up, but Scully has without question thrown someone into a wall during a Shattered Realm show and she’ll fucking do it again. While we’re certain that the act of violence was likely consensual and not up to the level of Johnny Weightlifter poser smashing, we can’t rule out the possibility of her escalating the behavior. She’s a wildcard.
7. Howard Graves
Howard Graves is a known poltergeist who attacks people his entity believes are threatening his former secretary, Lauren Kyte. We doubt Lauren is finding herself in any pits these days, but Howard’s supernatural spirit has gotta be getting up there in age at this point. Perhaps it’s getting forgetful and just dropping fuckers left and right because it thinks it saw Lauren in the crowd?
6. The Amazing Maleeni
While the Amazing Maleeni’s known crimes tend to veer more toward heists and robberies, his whereabouts are currently unknown. He’s also a magician and built like a fucking tank. He could easily bowl over an entire pit and disappear into a hat or something and none would be the wiser.
5. Ubermenscher
While Ubermenscher was once a menacing and murderous mass of sentient sludge summoned by an ancient Tibetan ritual, he’s basically just a pile of dirt now. Maybe people are just tracking him in and slipping during the breakdowns. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: It’s so important to wipe your feet before entering any venue.
4. Morris Fletcher
Morris Fletcher has made a lot of bold claims: He invented the Bermuda Triangle, he instituted Saddam Hussein, he inspired Tommy Lee Jones’s character in the “Men In Black” franchise… the list goes on. Basically, Morris seemingly just wants attention, which is a top-five trait among crowd killers.
3. The Stupendous Yappi
Something isn’t right with this guy. He loses his temper easily and claims to have psychic abilities, the latter of which has led him to assist with a few murder cases in which he was probably the main suspect. Lesser investigators fall for this bullshit so easily. Not us, though. The second he called our offices to offer his help in our search for justice, we knew something had to be up.
2. Well-Manicured-Man
You would think a man with his level of sophistication would be incapable of committing such heinous, and sometimes literally dirty, crimes. This, however, is exactly what he would want us to believe. Well-Manicured-Man may not resort to violence as a modus operandi, but he’s not above it. If he were bashing skulls in the wall of death, it’s pretty much a no-brainer that he would work with great success to maintain an innocent air about it. It’s almost too perfect of a crime, really.
1. Flukeman
Yep. This is the guy. Or… thing. We’re not sure what Flukeman even is, but he is definitely fucking shit up and knocking in teeth wherever he goes. He probably also does that beer fountain thing with his mouth, like, right in the middle of the crowd. He primarily travels through piping systems, and it goes without saying that he could probably hang in a hardcore venue toilet for years without being noticed.