15. A Second Chance at Life
Synopsis: A terminally ill Zoomer (Julia Roberts) embarks on an epic bucket list journey with a caring stranger (Tom Hiddleston), sharing heartwarming moments for the ultimate IG story, all while delving into themes of life, death, and a lack of sexuality, and celebrating diversity.
Not having sex in your movie is the new having sex in your movie. This thing is on the cutting edge.
14. Double Crossed
Synopsis: A detective (Idris Elba) dives into a high-stakes case of identity theft, revealing a web of deceit and betrayals tailor-made for a nail-biting TikTok conspiracy theory, with a little something for the boys who love suspenseful thrillers and cerebral mysteries, and a commitment to diversity.
Oh my god Idris Elba?! You love him! This one doesn’t say “hardcore detective” in the synopsis, but it’s heavily implied.
13. The Secret Garden
Synopsis: A squad of kids (Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard) discovers a secret garden with magical powers and becomes besties with the enigmatic gardener (Benedict Cumberbatch) for the ultimate #FriendshipGoals, with a little something for the boys who love childhood adventures and mystery, and a celebration of diversity.
Neither of those leads are really kids anymore, but with the magic of AI filmmaking they can be kids forever! It’s not creepy!
12. Marvel’s Guardians of the Cosmos
Synopsis: The guardians of the galaxy, led by Star-Lord (Chris Pratt), embark on an interstellar quest to stop a cosmic threat that could unravel the multiverse. Along the way, they’ll encounter bizarre alien species, engage in epic laser karate battles, and deliver their signature humor. Zoomers, get ready to join the financially lucrative fandom of these cosmic misfits!
That’s right true believers, the future of your favorite cinematic universe is in safe hands with ChatGPT! As you can see, all the old gang is here. Catgun, Greenface, Elf-fist Rocklight, and even Branch!
11. Suicide Squad: Undercover Redemption
Synopsis: Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) assembles a covert team of antiheroes, including Deadshot (Will Smith) and Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), to infiltrate a global criminal syndicate. Packed with thrilling espionage and explosive action, the squad’s mission holds the fate of the world in the balance. Zoomers, get ready for a rollercoaster ride into the morally complex world of antiheroes and join the financially lucrative fandom of the “Suicide Squad!”
No one asked for it and you got it, a third “Suicide Squad” movie! And say, is that Idris Elba I spy on the poster? You love him!
10. Marvel’s Doctor Strange: Paradox of Time
Synopsis: In a mind-bending journey through the multiverse, Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) must confront a powerful foe who can manipulate time. As reality twists and turns, Strange’s mastery of the mystical arts is put to the ultimate test. Zoomers, prepare to explore the multiverse and dive deep into the financially lucrative fandom of the Sorcerer Supreme!
Letting Sam Raimi direct the first Doctor Strange sequel was the closest we came to letting a Marvel movie contain a singular creative’s touch, and we did NOT care for it! Even if the strike ends tomorrow the MCU is all AI from here on out.
9. Marvel’s X-Men: Cosmic Heist
Synopsis: The X-Men, led by Professor Xavier, unite with a group of cosmic-powered mutants to thwart a daring heist orchestrated by space pirates. With high-stakes action and epic battles across the galaxy, the X-Men must protect the universe from chaos. Zoomers, gear up for a cosmic adventure and embrace the financially lucrative fandom of mutants and heroes!
I smell a crossover with our soon to be hit new franchise “Space Pirates,” which again is nothing like “Guardians of the Galaxy” or “Star Wars,” they just look the same and contain identical elements.
8. The Question: Shadows of Conspiracy
Synopsis: In the gritty underbelly of Gotham City, investigative journalist Vic Sage, aka The Question (Idris Elba), uncovers a web of conspiracies and corruption that threatens to consume the city. With no superpowers, he relies on his intellect, martial arts skills, and substantial TikTok following to unravel the mystery. Zoomers, dive into the world of noir-inspired detective work and become part of the financially lucrative fandom of The Question!
O.M.G. Idris Elba? You love him! You love him, you want him to be your boyfriend, you love him. Plus The Question is an obscure D.C character, you people are still into that yeah?
7. The Lighthouse Keeper
Synopsis: Set in the 1800s, a lighthouse keeper (Robert Pattinson) and his wife (Alicia Vikander) face isolation, love, and danger in an era where selfies didn’t exist, exploring themes of solitude and a lack of sexuality, and promoting diversity.
A time when selfies didn’t exist? It happened! Sit back zoomers and let ChatGPT tell ye a tale…
6. The Phantom Detective
Synopsis: A detective (Jude Law) with the ability to talk to ghosts investigates a haunted mansion where a dark secret, perfect for viral ghost-hunting streams, is buried, complete with laser karate, and a commitment to diversity.
They said laser karate had no place in a period-piece detective movie. Well, they can stay out on the picket lines, it’s ChatGPT’s house now!
5. The Ocean’s End
Synopsis: Survivors (Idris Elba, Gal Gadot, John Cho) of a shipwreck must work together to survive on a remote island, complete with survival challenge vlogs and Instagram-worthy castaways, with a little something for the boys who love survival adventures and challenges, and a celebration of diversity.
Idris Elba! AAAAAAHHH! You love him SO MUCH! To be clear, we (this is true) gave ChatGPT no parameters or suggestions on casting, it just intrinsically knew you wanted to see Idris Elba in five different movies this year.
4. ThunderCats: The Quest for Thundera
Synopsis: Lion-O, Cheetara, Panthro, and the ThunderCats embark on an epic quest to save their homeland, Thundera, from the tyrannical rule of Mumm-Ra (voiced by Javier Bardem). With stunning visuals and action-packed battles, this ThunderCats movie brings the beloved animated series to life for a new generation of fans. Zoomers, get ready to witness the iconic ThunderCats in a visually spectacular adventure and become part of the financially lucrative fandom that spans generations!
You love IP from the ’80s, and you love it when we fuck around and make it look nothing like the IP from the ’80s so much. Right? I mean, there must be some reason we keep doing it. Anyway, Snarf is an iPhone now.
3. Dreamscape
Synopsis: In a future where dreams are recorded, a detective (Joaquin Phoenix) investigates bizarre nightmares with real-world consequences, all documented in trippy TikTok videos, with a little something for the boys who love mind-bending mysteries and cerebral experiences, and a celebration of diversity.
If you think AI can’t replicate the complexity of a Joaquin Phoenix performance we don’t care, because millions of people don’t like art the way you do and they will give us money.
2. The Disguise
Synopsis: A master of disguise (Jim Carrey) teams up with a rookie agent (Zendaya) to take down a criminal organization using their wits and viral disguises for epic undercover stunts, with a little something for the boys who love action-packed comedies and laser karate, and a commitment to diversity.
The mustache Jim Carrey next to the regular Jim Carrey? ChatGPT came up with that all on its own. The future is here people.
1. The Forgotten Kingdom
Synopsis: In a mythical realm, a young hero (Timothee Chalamet) embarks on a quest to reclaim his kingdom from a tyrant (Javier Bardem), complete with legendary battles and fantasy-style Instagram stories, exploring themes of heroism and the multiverse, all while keeping you at the edge of your 18-45 year-old demographic seat, and celebrating diversity.
I didn’t actually read past Timothee Chalomet, but if this movie doesn’t make a billion dollars the economy will literally collapse.
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