15. Tickets To See GWAR On Ice
I cannot believe two tickets to the hottest show of the year wound up in my beard. It’s always an honor when Blothar sprays blood in your face, but now he does it all while nailing a perfect triple axel. I have so many friends who are into both shock rock and figure skating! It’ll be tough choosing just one to bring along.
14. Heart Of The Ocean
This must have found its way into my beard while I was swimming in the North Atlantic Ocean yesterday. Initially, I figured I should toss it back into the water like the old lady from Titanic would have wanted. Well too bad for her, because this necklace looks fucking amazing on me and it’s mine now. Finders keepers.
13. Stick Stickly
This guy is a riot! One of the best TV hosts to ever do it. He was super chill about being stuck in my beard too. Honestly, if I was running the Daily Show I’d roll with Stick Stickly over that hack Jon Stewart any day of the week. And if you disagree with me, tell me all about it in a postcard and send it to P.O Box 963 NY, NY 10108.
12. Big Mouth Billy Bass
Billy remains one of my biggest musical inspirations to date. It doesn’t even bother me that he only sings covers. It’s about stage presence man. You can’t teach that. I’m keeping this guy in my beard full-time. I don’t see how this fish that only sings one song could ever get old. TAKE ME TO THE RIVERRRR. DROP ME IN THE WATERRRR.
11. The California Raisins
These lumpy dudes hopped out of my beard this morning. I was gonna stomp them to death with my boot because they look absolutely fucking terrifying, but they won me over with a stellar R&B ditty. I’m letting them live in my pantry on the condition that they never show their scary little faces to me again.
10. Pendant Of Life
Fuck yeah! With this I will surely achieve my lifelong dream of winning Legends of the Hidden Temple. No scary-ass temple guards are snatching me up today. Go ahead and declare me the winner Olmec. It’s a formality at this point. The inline skates. The Duncan yo-yo. The trip to the Bahamas. It’s all mine. Blue barracudas for life.
9. Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man
What an absolute privilege it was to find this guy in my beard. He’s a beacon of positivity in the sea of cynicism that is modern day. I don’t just admire his silly dance moves. I admire his spirit. We should all be more like wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man. Easy top 10 here.
8. Blue M&M
This is the only M&M I want to party with. He’s built like a brick shithouse and he’s twice as tall as that cocky red M&M with the Napoleon complex. And unlike that simpleton yellow M&M this guy actually has a brain in that chocolatey noggin of his. He doesn’t talk much but he plays a mean saxophone. I’ve decided to name him Chad Chocolate.
7. Carmen Sandiego
Ladies and gentlemen, we got her. This international criminal has been eluding police for decades. Believe it or not, a middle school student with above-average geography knowledge managed to track her down and the cops yanked her right out of my beard. She’s gone now, and I’ll sleep a lot more soundly knowing the world is a little bit safer.
6. Cryogenically Frozen Head Of Walt Disney
The rumors are true. Walt Disney was never cremated like the sheeple would have you believe. He ripped off his own head in a barbaric display and placed it in this very jar that I’m holding. I’m only giving this back to Disneyland if they promise me a “Johnny Tsunami 3.”
5. Nestea Snowman
There’s an obvious joke to be made about this guy being “cool as ice” or something, but there’s no need. This snowman is just kind of a badass. Dude’s way cooler than me. He told me he lives here now and he keeps bringing home swaths of women. I want to ask him to leave but I’m worried he’ll think I’m a dork if I do.
4. A Women-Owned and Operated Business
Inequality never has, and never will be cool. And now that I’ve discovered a fully female-owned and operated coffee shop in my beard I can help close the gender pay gap that plagues this country. I don’t care if they constantly fuck up my order and there’s nowhere to sit. It’s about making a statement.
3. The Lost City Of Atlantis
The lost city of Atlantis is no myth. It is an incredible, bustling underwater metropolis which is contained entirely within the wiry confines of my beard. I don’t dare disturb what will surely be one of the greatest historical discoveries in mankind’s history. The fishy beard smell is well worth it.
2. Dino Megazord
If you think giant robots aren’t cool don’t talk to me. Stay away from me. I don’t trust you. Because this thing is objectively awesome. Boss starts nagging me? Zap him with the eye beams. Girlfriend tells me to shave my beard? Enjoy a power sword to the face.This is a life-changing level of cool.
1. Sevendust
That’s right. We started this list with dust and we’re ending it with dust — SEVENDUST. The coolest Nu Metal band in the history of mankind. These dudes look like the bouncers for a bouncers-only nightclub. Unfortunately they are not cool with being entangled in my beard all week. They are currently chasing me and I fear for my life. Please send help! I don’t know how to use the Megazord yet. I’m so fucked.
HELP!
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