15. Jessica
We don’t know much about Jessica other than the fact she dated Andy, but one thing we do know is she has dedicated friends. And these friends might be willing to pay the $25 cover charge to see the band. We need everyone we can to show up, and that makes Jessica a great candidate.
14. Toby Flenderson
There is a significant chance that Toby is “The Scranton Strangler” and having a murderer in the group increases the band’s profile exponentially. Some people might say putting him in the band is a stunt that isn’t worth the payoff, and to them I say “Go form your own Misfits cover band, asshole.”
13. Carol Stills
Why is Carol ranked this high? Simple, she is a realtor. She knows where empty houses are, which means she knows where empty garages are. You think practice spaces are cheap? Having Carol in the band saves us money and makes sure we sound just as bad live as the real Misfits.
12. Jo Bennet
This entry might come as a surprise seeing as how lower entries mention that old women in the band could be a liability. But you aren’t thinking big picture. Jo Bennet knows David Geffen, she could be our ticket to the big time.
11. Nate Nickerson
I have no idea if Nate can play an instrument, but what he has going for him is the fact he’s a weirdo, and being weird can get you far in the world of horror punk. He’s the type of guy that you invite him to join the band and he says “Oh, now I finally can put the 100 gallons of fake blood I made to good use.”
10. Pam Beesly
Pam went to art school, find me one Misfits cover band that doesn’t have at least one art school kid and I’ll show you an absolutely dogshit Misfit cover band. If you don’t think she belongs in the top 10 then you’re dreaming.
9. Hank Doyle
Now we are getting to the musicians of “The Office.” Hank is probably the least proficient guitarist of the bunch, but we can’t rule him out just yet. It will be a tough conversation when we tell him he can’t sell his blues album at our merch table, but it’s a bridge we will cross when we get there.
8. Creed Bratton
If this were 1979 Creed would be a perfect candidate, almost too perfect. He’s a talented guitarist and a complete weirdo, it’s perfect for the band. But right now he’s a bit too old, we could probably cover him in makeup and give him a wig and get away with it, but it’s risky.
7. Dwight Schrute
Dwight is a tall guy that cuts an imposing figure, he’s also a talented guitarist. But if he wants to be taken seriously for this band he’s going to have to cut out all carbs, start using HGH, and get jacked. We can’t have a doughy nerd up there.
6. Andy Bernard
We know Andy is a talented musician with a great voice, but there is always a chance that he makes the entire set on our big night about himself. It would be a disaster if he changed the lyric to “Last Caress” to be some sort of proposal, or he gets so mad that he punches a hole in the wall of the venue and then we have to pay for that out of pocket.
5. Kevin Malone
Drummers are hard to find so Kevin is a first-round draft pick. I’m sure he’s competent enough to play Misfits songs, but the best part is he won’t be the type of guy that slows things down by making sure we listen to his input. He’s going to be along for the ride and happy to be there.
4. Darryl Philbin
Throughout the history of “The Office” we saw Darryl play in at least two bands while also doing some solo musical work, even if there aren’t Misfits songs with keyboards you’re going to want a big man with musical talent in the group. He’s an easy choice.
3. Mose Schrute
Mose probably can’t play an instrument, but let’s be honest, neither can Jerry Only. This band needs a total loose cannon that is willing to put their body on the line at any point. That’s Mose, I can see him headwalking 17 people deep.
2. Pete Miller
The thing about Pete is he is that weird fratboy-type dude who actually loves the Misfits. He’s 99% not punk, but that 1% of punk is entirely dedicated to the Misfits and he would be a perfect fit. And he looks big enough to make a convincing Doyle.
1. Jan Levinson
‘This might be a controversial choice but it’s really the only one that makes sense. She’s a bit unhinged, which you want in a band like this. She’s got a bunch of candles for stage decorations, she can look scary as hell when she wants to, and we know she can sing. Take the mic Jan, you are now Janzig.