The holiday season is here, which means it’s time to buy gifts!
You might have a plan for all your loved ones – but what about your dad? Why does it always seem so hard to get something that will excite the man who raised us? You can only buy a man ties so many times before it’s awkward for both of you.
If you’re looking for variety in your gift-giving this year, check out these eight holiday gifts that will inspire a loud “Oh!” from your father before he silently puts the gift away and doesn’t make eye contact. Happy shopping!
Monogrammed Socks
It’s a cliche for a reason: dads love socks. So why not personalize your stylish pops with his initials? This custom-made gesture will make your dad squint at the letters, say “What does this say?”, then say “Got it” when you tell him it’s his initials. That’s the most conversation you’ve had all holiday!
Old Forester Whiskey
This classic Kentucky spirit has a rich, mature taste, perfect for your dad after a long day shoveling snow. Watch his eyes light up – and by “light up,” we mean “look at the bottle for one full minute, start to say something which causes everyone else in the room to lean forward expectantly, then close his mouth and put the whiskey on the back porch because ‘there’s not enough room in the fridge.'”
“American Prometheus” by Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin
How about American Prometheus, the inspiration for Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer, a film your dad started snoring in during the big bomb test scene? Bird and Sherwin’s definitive text on a key figure in American history will be sure to sit dusty on his bedside table on top of other books you’ve given him.
Cooking Classes
Is your dad a wizard on the grill, or a Food Network fanatic? Then treat him to cooking classes from a local chef. Fun and practical, this interactive gift will keep your papa busy and your mama fed for years to come. That is if the chef guy ever does classes other than Wednesdays. Your dad’s busy Wednesday nights. That’s when he plays cards with his college friends. And that’s all he’ll say when he sees this gift. And that’s fine!!!!!!!!!!
USB Record Player
There’s a rad collection of vinyl in the basement, but no way to listen to them! Give your father the gift of music and the bridging between past and present with a hi-tech, hi-fi USB record player. Not only will this play your dad’s retro Chicago records with onboard speakers, but he can digitize and play them all on a phone or mp3 player! First, you’ll have to remind him he has a record collection. Then, you’ll have to remind him his smartphone can play music. Then, you’ll have to explain that you spent “this much money” because you’ve always felt like you bonded over music. Then he’ll ask “What music?” and you’ll say “The record collection” and you’ll be stuck in that temporal loop until it’s time to fly back home. Isn’t technology cool?
The Righteous Cup of Aldimore
Grasped from the hand of corrupt King Ludencior and cleansed by the beautiful Druid of the Lake, the Righteous Cup of Aldimore grants whoever drinks from it the gift of Healing Magick. Your dad will love listening to this long explanation of lore as he stares at the gift, and you’ll love him going “Huh” before putting it on the table without a coaster and folding his arms for the rest of Christmas.
A Sonogram of Your Child
You’ve known you’re pregnant for two months, but you’ve been waiting to surprise your family for the holidays. You hand a plain-looking folder to your mom; when she opens it, she screams and cries. You hand the sonogram to your sister; she hugs you and tells you she’s proud of you. Here it comes. The moment of truth. Your dad takes the document, the proof of life, the promise that his family name will carry on for generations after him. His eyes scan up and down. He nods, clears his throat, and says, “Alright.” He then places the sonogram next to a printedout gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods.
Uhhhhhh Golf Balls?
Fuck it, who cares.