20. Antique Store
“You’re willing to pay how much for that chiffarobe? Fuck it, you can just have it.”
19. Tannery
Though not much of one to deal with animal viscera, years of DIY steadfastness have made The Businessman an adequate craftsman. Though he may not have the strongest grasp of the deliming process yet, he could certainly be starting with less.
18. Cobbler
If you’re not averse to duct tape patches and using bits of old tire to repair those Adidas soles then you’ll likely be pleased with Mr. MacKaye’s cobbling work. But if you’re some kind of fancy jerk who has millionaire shoes to get fixed then you can just fuck right off.
17. Home Security Company
Who’s that looming over you in the dead of night? Nobody if Mr. MacKaye has anything to do about it.
16. Haunted Motel
The Businessman has spent enough time dealing with malfunctioning amps to know how to handle the electric supply for ghost hunting equipment. This one honestly would be higher on this list if he’d played in a couple of goth bands, but hey, we’re willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he knows a little about ghosts and ghouls and also additional cleaning fees.
15. Food Truck
It would only serve vegan hotdogs and store brand root beer – but in keeping with tradition it would only cost $5.
14. Nail Salon
Every guitarist knows that diligent fingernail care is essential to not fucking up your hands and fretboard five times every practice. Mr. MacKaye certainly has the, ahem, hands-on expertise to make this business a success – we just can’t say the same for feet, however.
13. Ragtag Team of Storm Chasers
The Businessman has plenty of experience binding together groups of disenfranchised misfits with niche interests. Though it’s unclear to us how anyone actually makes money from doing this nonsense, storm chasing with a colorful group of mismatched goofballs might just be a great fit for him.
12. Toy Store
Choo choo! Mr. MacKaye loves this model train set. All aboard!
11. Birthday Clown
Clown makeup goes on pretty easy when you’ve never had a shred of hair in your entire life. Plus, all those years in the punk scene makes Mr. MacKaye perfectly suited to handle groups of petulant children for extended periods of time.
10. Yoga Studio
We mean, what’s he really gotta do for this one. Get a bunch a bunch or rich assholes and 20-somethings who still think mercury does shit all twisted up and high on endorphins? Yeah, that’s basically an ’80s D.C. moshpit. Twist on, The Businessman.
9. Farm Where People Pick Their Own Strawberries
Mr. MacKaye’s commitment to DIY ethics would serve him well convincing affluent rubes to do all the work for him… erm, we mean, self-actualize and realize their full independent potential.
8. Cult
Based on how every nineteen-year-old Fugazi fan talks about him, The Businessman may have already done this one.
7. Plumber
He may not be very “boots on the ground” running a small plumbing empire, but someones gotta direct those trucks – and years of assembling and shipping merch out have given him all the logistical experience he needs. Also, he giggles every time he hears the word “stopcock.”
6. Medical Marijuana Dispensary
Fortunately, Bad Brains helped pay back the business loan in the first eight days this place opened. After that all The Businessman had to do was just sit back and shake his head at everyone that came into the store.
5. Hardware Store
The Businessman sure knows the nuts and bolts of the record industry. But does he know actual nuts and bolts? Well, the fact that Dischord house is even still standing after all these years leads us to believe that this man knows his way around basic home repair. He’s got this one.
4. Witch Doctor
Somewhere between cursing ex lovers with bags of shiny pebbles and suggesting cures for rickets that all involve eating a live alligator, The Businessman is gonna get a great return on investment. Also, he gets to surround himself with vials of effervescent ooze all day, which is how we have always imagined the Dicschord offices look like.
3. Independent Bookstore
Not only would Mr. MacKaye be great at managing this kind of small business, he has the perfect mentality for dealing with hipster clientele – blithely suggesting the same Thomas Pynchon novel over and over again like it’s one of his own records, and not one of the good ones either.
2. Chiropractor
After years of complaining about people cracking skulls at shows, old age finally caught up with The Businessman, and the good news is that now he’s perfectly suited to start cracking backs. Much like most of his music, chiropractic adjustments have the preternatural ability to make people feel markedly better for approximately twenty-five minutes before spiraling them back into an endless cycle of tedium and pain.
1. Eccentric Chocolate Factory
Okay, well, this one takes a bit of imagination, but hang with us for a minute. We already know that Mr. MacKaye already has experience dealing with that sweet, slippery chocolate ice cream from his early days at Haagen-Dazs. He knows branding from all those years he’s worked in the music industry. And! He’ll have no trouble getting all of his employees to break out into impromptu songs whenever he accidentally eviscerates an undeserving child visitor. Yep, we’ve finally found the perfect small business for Mr. MacKaye.
Bonus: his head is the perfect shape for that purple top hat. You know the one.
Photo by David Shankbone